Weather or not JOW #1266

 I enjoy winter.  Understand that the term ‘winter’ may not really apply to east Texas, but it does get colder and kinda gray and cloudy.  But it is not sweaty and so is preferable to six months of summer here.  People in Houston take it very seriously when it freezes.  TV announcers explain about how when water gets below its freezing point will actually become SOLID!  And slippery.  Which is why whenever we get freezing temperatures, the city more or less shuts down.  I don’t mind.  Winter is supposed to be a time of staying inside and warm.  Here are a few jokes about the weather including some about global climate change.

 

I prefer cold weather.

But only to a certain degree.

 

I noticed that I make a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold. It’s the early signs of typothermia.

 

My granddad always used to say, “There is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing.”

I say “Used to”, because he got hit by lightning.

 

When does it start to rain money?

When there is a change in the weather.

 

What's the difference between climate change and obesity?

One's a worldwide problem.
The other's a wide world problem.

 

Humans: There is absolutely nothing that can be done to combat climate change.
Mother Earth: Hold My Beer.

 

Do you know that we haven’t found a solution for climate change yet?
But we’re definitely getting warmer.

 

Climate change is getting boring

It's just not cool anymore

 

Never mind raining cats and dogs, it was raining chickens and ducks yesterday. It was fowl weather.

Don’t trust big changes in the weather.

It’s just a front.

 

Do you know a lot of people have been complaining about the weather?
They’re just afraid of change.

 

Many people don’t take climate change seriously?
It would be cooler if they did.

 

Why should we never argue about climate change?
It always turns into a heated debate.

 

Climatologist: My findings are meaningless if taken out of context.
Media: Climatologist claims “climate findings are meaningless.”

 

Name an animal unaffected by climate change?
Egyptian crocodiles because they live in Da Nile.

 

What’s the scariest part about climate change?
The atmosfear.

~~~~

It was clear and sunny when I went to town I saw a line of guys outside a barber shop.

I thought, “What a lovely day to have a barber queue.”

 

Two guys were standing in front of me while waiting in line for the pharmacy today.

One of them started making small talk about the weather, “I hope the rain keeps up!”

The other guy went, “Huh?”

“So it doesn’t come down!”

 

A couple of icebergs in Antarctica were best friends. They grew up together and have known each other since they were ice cubes.

One iceberg decides he's tired of all the cold weather, he tells his best friend he's going on a warm vacation for a couple weeks. A couple weeks pass by, and he returns to Antarctica. His best friend immediately takes notice of the amount of weight his friend lost while on vacation.
He says "you look amazing my friend, you really slimmed down! Was vacation everything you thawed it would be?"

 

Two guys from Saskatoon decide to escape the cold Canadian weather in winter and take a vacation. They go to Australia.  Sitting in a bar down under, still wearing their jackets and flannels they draw the attention of Aussies, so one gets up and approaches them.
"G'DAY mates, where you blokes from?"
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan" one of them answers.
"Oh, alright," replies the Aussie as he returns to his table.
"So where are they from mate?" His friend asks.
"Don't know, they don't speak English."

 

A manager overheard one of her cashiers tell a customer, "We haven't had it for a while, and I doubt we'll be getting it soon." She quickly assured the customer that they would have whatever she wanted by next week.

After she left, she read the cashier the riot act.  "Never tell the customer that we're out of anything. Tell them we'll have it next week.  Now, what did she want?"
"Rain."

A man who one hand amputated explained the effectiveness of gloves.

“On one hand, they are good for cold weather.  On the other, they don't really help.”

 

Three-year-old Mathew scared his family one summer by disappearing during their lakeside vacation. More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline; everyone was relieved when he was found playing calmly in the woods.

"Listen to me, Matthew," his mother said sharply. "From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?"

Matthew thought about that for a moment and said, "Okay. I want to go to Disney World."

 

Once upon a time there was a monastery with some hard-working and resourceful monks.  Some of them, without permission of the abbot, set up a business making and selling keys.  Unfortunately, the monks who were making the keys were a bit too high-spirited and their hijinks began to interfere with the smooth routine of the monastery. 

When the abbot found out about what was going on he put a stop to all this monk key business.

 

And finally,

A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient.
“When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?” asked the lawyer.
“I didn’t,” said the doctor.
“And did you listen for a heartbeat?” said the lawyer.
“No, I did not,” the doctor said.
“So in other words,” the lawyer said, “When you signed the death certificate you had NOT taken adequate steps to confirm he was dead.”
“Well, let me put it this way,” said the doctor- “At that point, the man’s brain was in a jar on my desk. But for all I know I guess he could’ve been out practicing law somewhere!”

 

 

Snow JOW #1265

 I am looking out onto a snow-covered scene.  This may not sound strange in the month of January, but we have not had snow here in the greater Houston for 10 years.  Being Florida raised, I did not grow up with the stuff – I did not even see real snow until I was 20 years old – and I remain entranced by the stuff.  Snow transforms the world into a magical place—well until you have to shovel it.  Fortunately, I have never had to shovel snow and never will.  The entire city of Houston is essentially shut down by a couple of inches of the stuff and that is all the local news is covering.  I don’t have many jokes about snow but here are a few jokes of various kinds. 

 

Snow riddles

When is snow like a boat? 

When it’s a drift.

 

Why does snow fall?
It does not know how to climb down.

 

Why did the snow people go to the carrot patch?
To pick their noses.

 

What do you call a bunch of skinny people stretching in the snow?
Low-fat frozen yoga.

 

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?

An abdominal snowman!

 

What do you call a Buddhist monk who meditates in the snow?
Fro-zen.

 

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

It smells like carrots over here!

 

What do you call a English snow house without a toilet?
An ig.

 

 Some snow quotes:

 

"Snowmen fall from the sky unassembled!"

 

"The only thing worse than being cold is being hot — just ask a snowman."

 

The snow yeti stopped doing sas-squats and started doing sit ups.
Now he’s the Abdominal Snowman.

 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ice.
Ice who?
Ice see you freezing!

 

1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.
1’s hands got so cold that they went numb.
2’s hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.

 

What did 20 do when it was hungry?

Twenty-eight.

 

There was a lady with three sons, named Rain, Snow, and Brick.
Rain asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Rain’?”
“Because a raindrop fell on your head when you were born.”
Then Snow asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Snow’?”
“Because a snowflake fell on your head when you were born.”
Then Brick asked his mom, “Unngah”.

 

Enough with the cold humor.  Here are a few other jokes

A beekeeper was driving by a brothel when he noticed that it was on fire …
All of the ladies that worked there were trapped at one of the upstairs windows and they were frantically yelling for help.
Quickly, the man pulled over and tied some netting between two fence posts that were just below the window. But the ladies were afraid to jump into the netting because they didn’t think it would hold them.
The flames were getting much worse, so the beekeeper did the only thing he could think of. He went back to his truck and retrieved a very special insect that he kept in a box labeled “in case of a brothel fire”
Sure enough, this special bug flew right up into the open window where all the prostitutes had gathered. Of course, this just made them panic even more. One by one this winged insect chased each lady until all sense was lost and she leaped out the window, landing safely in the outstretched hammock below.
When all the ladies had reached the ground safely the specially trained bee returned to his box, then the ladies turned to the beekeeper and offered him their gratitude. But he refused. “After all,” he explained, “it wasn’t me that saved you. It was the hornet.”

 

Twenty-three hints for better writing

 

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23.Who needs rhetorical questions?

 

And finally, a very self-aware joke.

A huge Polar bear walks into a bar and sits down at the bar. The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired. He eventually makes his way over to the bear.
The bear immediately tells him, "You look exhausted."
"Yeah, it's been a rough day," says the bartender, "What are you drinking?"
"I'll have a glass of...", says the bear. He waits a painfully long moment before finishing, "...scotch."
"Why the long face?", asks the bartender.
"Don't you mean big pause?", asks the bear.
"Yeah, sorry. Like I said, it's been a rough day."

On Fire JOW #1264

 The fires in Los Angles are a genuine catastrophe, impacting millions of people including my good friends Dick and Jane who had to evacuate their home.  With my mind on the devastating fires, my mind as it does turned to making light of situation.  This may seem callous, but humor is a way to deal with hash times.  Comedian Pete Lee went on Jimmy Fallon and made jokes about the fires.  To those who criticized Lee for making jokes about the fires as "too soon," the funny man shot back: "My house burnt down, I can make jokes about this."  So, if a professional comedian who lost his home can tell jokes, I guess I can feature in my Jokes of the Week while continuing to pray for those so terribly affected by the ongoing fires.

 

 

What happens if you fire the firefighters?
More fire. Duh.

 

Hollywood loves a remake.

Which is why God produced "California Wildfires" again this year.

 

What did the beaver say when his structure caught fire?
“Hot dam!”

 

What kind of moron invented the fire blanket?
Surely fire is warm enough already!

 

How do you put out a fire with one hand? You make sure it’s a match!

 

If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant…What’s on the outside?
K9P.

 

Do you remember when they first invented fire?
It was a hot commodity.

 

Despite being fire-breathing monsters, dragons will never actually explode.
But a dino might.

 

Why do the firemen take out people from a burning building before they put the fire out with water?
Bros before hose.

 

If you need to start a fire by rubbing sticks together, make sure they are exactly alike
Then you’ll have a match.

 

Caveman discovers fire,

Caveman discovers marijuana.
Stoned age begins.

 

 

What do you do when your musical instrument is on fire?
You stop, rock, and roll.

 

How did the fire fall in love?
It found its perfect match!

 

How do you start a holy fire?
With a match made in Heaven.

And a few grimmer jokes on fire

What do you call a man who’s on fire?
Bernie.

 

What do you get when you light a pig on fire?
A piglet

 

What do you call a deer with no eyes that is on fire?
No flaming idea.

 

“Dad! Dad! Fire! The house is burning!!”
“Let’s get out of here son! Quietly, you’re gonna wake up your mom!”

 

A man filed a claim with his insurance company after his house burned.
The insurance agent said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?”
The owner said, “Fire and theft.”

The agent frowned. “Uh oh. That’s the wrong kind. It should be fire OR theft. The only way you can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed while it’s burning down.”

 

A professional photographer is assigned to cover some of the wildfires that have been rampaging Los Angeles. His editor tells him to try to get some closeups of the fire fighters that are battling the wildfires.
Because the roads were blocked he decides to rent an airplane and do some aerial photography. He gets permission from his editor, and is told to report at a nearby airport, where a small aircraft will be on the tarmac waiting for him.
Upon arrival at the airport, he sees a plane warming up, so he jumps in with his bag of equipment, and says "Let's go!"
In no time at all, the pilot is taxiing down the runway, and the plane heads into the sky.
"What I'd like you to do," says the photographer to the pilot, "is fly over the fires, making a few low passes, so I can take some photos."
"Why?" asks the pilot.

"Isn't it obvious?" says the man, "I'm a photographer, and photographers take photos."
The pilot is completely silent for a moment. Finally, he stammers, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

 

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.
The physicist announces “We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!”
The chemist replies “No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!”
Meanwhile, the two turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire. “What the hell are you doing??”
“Getting a proper sample size!”
And finally

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant.
In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact.”
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station who could bring out the company’s secret files. But still, the fire fighters could not get through.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”
“Well,” said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, “the first thing we’re gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck.”

 

Go Fish JOW #1263

The holidays are finally over.  This results in a change in commercials.  The tidal wave of political ads is gone as are the holiday ones.  Even the Medicare renewal ads have run their course, giving us a break until Valentine’s Day.  All that is left are the cold gray days of winter.  I am using fishing as a theme this week because well, why not?  Enjoy.

Where did the fisherman and mermaid meet? On line.

 

Why did the fisherman put peanut butter into the sea? To go with jellyfish.

 

I have always admired fishermen. They are reel men.

 

Don’t know why my fishing buddy is worried about the coronavirus. He never catches anything.

 

I tried eating a clownfish. It tasted a little bit funny.

 

What did the fisherman do at the doctor’s office after accidentally swallowing some worms? He waited on his diagnosis with baited breath.

 

Two guys are talking about fishing. One says to the other, “I am NEVER going to take my wife fishing with me, ever again!”

“That bad, huh,” his friend responded. “She did everything wrong! She talked too much, made the boat rock constantly, tried to stand up in the boat, baited the hook wrong, used the wrong lures, and worst of all she caught more fish than me!”

 

Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

 

Retired colonel, talking of the good old days: “Have you ever hunted bear?”

His grandson’s teacher: “No, but I’ve been fishing in shorts.”

 

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than him. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen little sardines63. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman, and said, “Only caught one, eh?”

 

Jim got up bright and early one weekend and headed to the local river. He fished all day long but didn’t catch a thing. On the way home, he stopped at the fish market.

“I want to buy the three biggest Steelhead you’ve got,” he said to the owner.

The owner starts to bag up his order when Jim says, “No need for that, just throw them at me.”

“Why would I do that?” the owner asked.

“So I can honestly tell my wife that I caught three fish today!”

 

A woman is walking on a beach in Texas carrying two Redfish in a bucket. A game warden walks up and asks to see her fishing license.

“I don’t have a fishing license,” says the woman.

“You know it’s illegal to fish without a license, right?” asks the warden.

“I wasn’t fishing, officer. These Redfish are my pets.”

“Your pets?”

“Yes, officer. They like a little exercise, so when the weather’s fine, I take them to the water and let them swim around. Once they’re done, I give them a whistle and they jump back into my bucket, and we head home.”

The officer isn’t buying a word of it, so the woman says, “Don’t believe me? Watch!” and she throws the fish into the sea.

The warden waits for a minute then says, “Alright, now whistle to your fish and make them jump out of the water.”

The fisherwoman turns to the officer and says, “What fish?”

 

Chuck had been out on the ice all day without seeing a single fish. Not even a nibble. He decides that today’s not the day and starts to pack up, when this old guy walks up.

Without saying a word, he cuts a hole a few feet from Chuck and immediately catches a fish.

The old guy coughs, baits his hook, and within seconds, there’s another fish on his line. This happens two, three times within as many minutes.

Chuck can’t believe his eyes. He’s been out here all day without seeing a single fish. He walks over to the man and asks, “What’s your secret?”

“Woohattakipowrmwm” the old man answers back.

“What did you say?” replies Chuck.

The man looks over, spits out a mouthful of worms on the ice and says, ”You have to keep your worms warm.”

 

Enough with fishing jokes.  Here are a few random leftovers.

 

The US may stop minting pennies but that wouldn’t make any cents.

 

fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way? 

 

Is there such a thing as slutty olive oil?

 

All great literature is only one of three stories: A man goes on a journey; a stranger comes to town and Godzilla versus Megashark – Leo Tolstoy

 

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

 

Green beans are the most Zen of all the vegetables because they’ve found their inner peas. 

 

In skydiving they say you never have to worry about a parachute malfunction

because you have the rest of your life to fix it

 

A man had not seen his twin brother since he left Australia.

They were separated at Perth.

 

I received a mind-controlled calculator for Christmas.  Not the greatest present but it’s the thought that counts.

 

I got fired from my job because they said my communication skills were lacking.

I honestly don’t know what to say.

 

Local janitors have gone out on strike.

They are demanding sweeping reforms.

 

I can use either hand to put sugar in my tea.

I’m ambidextrose.

 

A magician was walking down the street and turned into a bar.

 

I’m a corrections officer and all my coworkers think the prison is haunted.

No idea what they're on about. I've been walking this beat for the last 150 years and have never experienced a thing.