Snow JOW #1265

 I am looking out onto a snow-covered scene.  This may not sound strange in the month of January, but we have not had snow here in the greater Houston for 10 years.  Being Florida raised, I did not grow up with the stuff – I did not even see real snow until I was 20 years old – and I remain entranced by the stuff.  Snow transforms the world into a magical place—well until you have to shovel it.  Fortunately, I have never had to shovel snow and never will.  The entire city of Houston is essentially shut down by a couple of inches of the stuff and that is all the local news is covering.  I don’t have many jokes about snow but here are a few jokes of various kinds. 

 

Snow riddles

When is snow like a boat? 

When it’s a drift.

 

Why does snow fall?
It does not know how to climb down.

 

Why did the snow people go to the carrot patch?
To pick their noses.

 

What do you call a bunch of skinny people stretching in the snow?
Low-fat frozen yoga.

 

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?

An abdominal snowman!

 

What do you call a Buddhist monk who meditates in the snow?
Fro-zen.

 

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

It smells like carrots over here!

 

What do you call a English snow house without a toilet?
An ig.

 

 Some snow quotes:

 

"Snowmen fall from the sky unassembled!"

 

"The only thing worse than being cold is being hot — just ask a snowman."

 

The snow yeti stopped doing sas-squats and started doing sit ups.
Now he’s the Abdominal Snowman.

 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ice.
Ice who?
Ice see you freezing!

 

1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.
1’s hands got so cold that they went numb.
2’s hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.

 

What did 20 do when it was hungry?

Twenty-eight.

 

There was a lady with three sons, named Rain, Snow, and Brick.
Rain asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Rain’?”
“Because a raindrop fell on your head when you were born.”
Then Snow asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Snow’?”
“Because a snowflake fell on your head when you were born.”
Then Brick asked his mom, “Unngah”.

 

Enough with the cold humor.  Here are a few other jokes

A beekeeper was driving by a brothel when he noticed that it was on fire …
All of the ladies that worked there were trapped at one of the upstairs windows and they were frantically yelling for help.
Quickly, the man pulled over and tied some netting between two fence posts that were just below the window. But the ladies were afraid to jump into the netting because they didn’t think it would hold them.
The flames were getting much worse, so the beekeeper did the only thing he could think of. He went back to his truck and retrieved a very special insect that he kept in a box labeled “in case of a brothel fire”
Sure enough, this special bug flew right up into the open window where all the prostitutes had gathered. Of course, this just made them panic even more. One by one this winged insect chased each lady until all sense was lost and she leaped out the window, landing safely in the outstretched hammock below.
When all the ladies had reached the ground safely the specially trained bee returned to his box, then the ladies turned to the beekeeper and offered him their gratitude. But he refused. “After all,” he explained, “it wasn’t me that saved you. It was the hornet.”

 

Twenty-three hints for better writing

 

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23.Who needs rhetorical questions?

 

And finally, a very self-aware joke.

A huge Polar bear walks into a bar and sits down at the bar. The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired. He eventually makes his way over to the bear.
The bear immediately tells him, "You look exhausted."
"Yeah, it's been a rough day," says the bartender, "What are you drinking?"
"I'll have a glass of...", says the bear. He waits a painfully long moment before finishing, "...scotch."
"Why the long face?", asks the bartender.
"Don't you mean big pause?", asks the bear.
"Yeah, sorry. Like I said, it's been a rough day."