Weather or not JOW #1266

 I enjoy winter.  Understand that the term ‘winter’ may not really apply to east Texas, but it does get colder and kinda gray and cloudy.  But it is not sweaty and so is preferable to six months of summer here.  People in Houston take it very seriously when it freezes.  TV announcers explain about how when water gets below its freezing point will actually become SOLID!  And slippery.  Which is why whenever we get freezing temperatures, the city more or less shuts down.  I don’t mind.  Winter is supposed to be a time of staying inside and warm.  Here are a few jokes about the weather including some about global climate change.

 

I prefer cold weather.

But only to a certain degree.

 

I noticed that I make a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold. It’s the early signs of typothermia.

 

My granddad always used to say, “There is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing.”

I say “Used to”, because he got hit by lightning.

 

When does it start to rain money?

When there is a change in the weather.

 

What's the difference between climate change and obesity?

One's a worldwide problem.
The other's a wide world problem.

 

Humans: There is absolutely nothing that can be done to combat climate change.
Mother Earth: Hold My Beer.

 

Do you know that we haven’t found a solution for climate change yet?
But we’re definitely getting warmer.

 

Climate change is getting boring

It's just not cool anymore

 

Never mind raining cats and dogs, it was raining chickens and ducks yesterday. It was fowl weather.

Don’t trust big changes in the weather.

It’s just a front.

 

Do you know a lot of people have been complaining about the weather?
They’re just afraid of change.

 

Many people don’t take climate change seriously?
It would be cooler if they did.

 

Why should we never argue about climate change?
It always turns into a heated debate.

 

Climatologist: My findings are meaningless if taken out of context.
Media: Climatologist claims “climate findings are meaningless.”

 

Name an animal unaffected by climate change?
Egyptian crocodiles because they live in Da Nile.

 

What’s the scariest part about climate change?
The atmosfear.

~~~~

It was clear and sunny when I went to town I saw a line of guys outside a barber shop.

I thought, “What a lovely day to have a barber queue.”

 

Two guys were standing in front of me while waiting in line for the pharmacy today.

One of them started making small talk about the weather, “I hope the rain keeps up!”

The other guy went, “Huh?”

“So it doesn’t come down!”

 

A couple of icebergs in Antarctica were best friends. They grew up together and have known each other since they were ice cubes.

One iceberg decides he's tired of all the cold weather, he tells his best friend he's going on a warm vacation for a couple weeks. A couple weeks pass by, and he returns to Antarctica. His best friend immediately takes notice of the amount of weight his friend lost while on vacation.
He says "you look amazing my friend, you really slimmed down! Was vacation everything you thawed it would be?"

 

Two guys from Saskatoon decide to escape the cold Canadian weather in winter and take a vacation. They go to Australia.  Sitting in a bar down under, still wearing their jackets and flannels they draw the attention of Aussies, so one gets up and approaches them.
"G'DAY mates, where you blokes from?"
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan" one of them answers.
"Oh, alright," replies the Aussie as he returns to his table.
"So where are they from mate?" His friend asks.
"Don't know, they don't speak English."

 

A manager overheard one of her cashiers tell a customer, "We haven't had it for a while, and I doubt we'll be getting it soon." She quickly assured the customer that they would have whatever she wanted by next week.

After she left, she read the cashier the riot act.  "Never tell the customer that we're out of anything. Tell them we'll have it next week.  Now, what did she want?"
"Rain."

A man who one hand amputated explained the effectiveness of gloves.

“On one hand, they are good for cold weather.  On the other, they don't really help.”

 

Three-year-old Mathew scared his family one summer by disappearing during their lakeside vacation. More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline; everyone was relieved when he was found playing calmly in the woods.

"Listen to me, Matthew," his mother said sharply. "From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?"

Matthew thought about that for a moment and said, "Okay. I want to go to Disney World."

 

Once upon a time there was a monastery with some hard-working and resourceful monks.  Some of them, without permission of the abbot, set up a business making and selling keys.  Unfortunately, the monks who were making the keys were a bit too high-spirited and their hijinks began to interfere with the smooth routine of the monastery. 

When the abbot found out about what was going on he put a stop to all this monk key business.

 

And finally,

A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient.
“When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?” asked the lawyer.
“I didn’t,” said the doctor.
“And did you listen for a heartbeat?” said the lawyer.
“No, I did not,” the doctor said.
“So in other words,” the lawyer said, “When you signed the death certificate you had NOT taken adequate steps to confirm he was dead.”
“Well, let me put it this way,” said the doctor- “At that point, the man’s brain was in a jar on my desk. But for all I know I guess he could’ve been out practicing law somewhere!”