Thursday is the start of baseball season, known as Opening Day. Going to a live baseball game used to be easy and affordable, before the powers that be realized they could extract more money from the fans. It has been said that ‘A hot dog at a baseball game beats prime rib at the Ritz.’ These days it costs about the same; and don’t get me started about the cost of beer which brings new meaning to the term ‘liquid gold’. Fortunately, I can watch baseball on TV from the comfort of my home. I do enjoy baseball and so have some jokes about the sport.
“Baseball
is like driving. It’s getting home
safely that counts.” - Tommy Lasorda
“Never hit
an umpire, because The Umpire Strikes Back.” – Luke Skywalker
“Never hit
a man with glasses. Use a baseball bat.”
- Me
Comparing baseball
stadium hot dogs: what's the difference between Houston Astrodogs and Seattle Marinerdogs?
You can
buy Astrodogs in October.
Pitcher
catcher meeting on the mound.
Catcher – Throw
me a curve.
Pitcher –
Okay. I’m wearing edible underwear.
Batman got
his start on a baseball team. He was the
bat boy.
When I was
a kid when it came time to pick teams, I learned a brand-new position in baseball:
Left Out
Where does
the baseball player go when he needs a new uniform?
New
Jersey.
Which
takes longer to run: from first to second base or from second to third base?
From
second to third base, because there is a shortstop in the middle
How can
you pitch a winning baseball game without throwing a ball?
Only throw
strikes.
What do
you call a baseball player that holds water?
A pitcher.
Why can't
orphans play baseball?
Because
they don't know where home is.
Why is
baseball telecaster Karen's preferred job?
She gets
to speak with the manager after each game
A cocky
rookie was pitching in his first ever playoff game. He started out the game
with four walks and a hit batter, so the manager took him out. As the rookie
walked into the dugout, he slammed his glove on the ground and yelled,
"That jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going!"
An
apartment building is on fire and people are at the window, screaming for help.
“Just jump
out the window,” a man yells. “I’m a baseball player. I can catch
you.” One smart resident decided to get more information, first.
“Wait,” he
said. “What team do you play for?”
“The
Cincinnati Reds,” shouts the man.
“Ehhhh,”
shrugs the resident. “I’ll take my chances with the fire.”
Doctor:
What did you dream about last night?
Patient: Baseball.
Doctor: Don’t you dream about anything else?
Patient: What, and miss my turn at bat?
Here's one
for all of you baseball and chemistry fans
Hall of
Famer Al Kaline wore #6 throughout his career, which actually makes him
slightly acidic.
^^^^
One
morning in elementary school, the students were studying geography, and
the teacher wanted to show the students where cities and states are. The
teacher asks the class, “Does anyone know where Pittsburgh is?”
Billy
raises up his hand and says, “Yeah, Pennsylvania!”
The
teacher replies, “Very good, Billy, now can anyone tell me where Detroit is?”
Suzy
raises her hand and says, “That’s in Michigan!”
The
teacher again says, “Very good.” Trying to confuse the children, she now asks,
“Where’s
Kansas City?” Tommy raises his hand and says, “Oh pick me! I know!”
The
teacher says, “OK, Tommy, where is Kansas City?”
“Last
place.”
~~~
A symphony
was playing Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony on opening day. Things were going well until the final
movement came. There is not much for the
bass players to do for a pretty long stretch, so they slipped out and had a few
drinks. So as not to let their musical
score get out of sequence, they tied the sheets up in neat rolls. The musician became quite tipsy, and time got
away from them. Suddenly the symphony was
almost over and it was time for the musicians to go back to work! It was very tense.
You see,
it was the bottom of the 9th, the score was tied and the basses were
loaded.
And
finally
A
housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware
that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home
unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: ‟Sure
is dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$100.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in
the closet together again.
Boy: “Sure is dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes, it is..”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?”
Boy: ‟$200.”
Man: ‟Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let's go
outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, ‟I can't. I sold them.”
The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, ‟$300.”
The father says, ‟It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is
way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make
you confess.”
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit
in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, ‟Sure is dark in here.”
The priest says, ‟Do not start that crap with me again, kid.”
