Artificially Intelligent JOW #1319

Artificial Intelligence is in the news a lot these days.  I thought I could use AI to help with my jokes of the week.  I told AI to write a joke —first, it wrote my resume. 

I then tried using an AI to generate a joke starting with the prompt "two guys walk into a bar." This is what I got:

Two guys walk into a bar.
It's just one guy, and he's forty.
"What will it be, sir?"
"A water," the guy says.
He takes a sip.
He grimaces and makes a face.
"That's really watery."
"Yes," says the bartender.

 

Here are a couple more examples of AI-generated humor:

Q: What's the difference between a horse and a duck?
A: A horse has legs but a duck has feathers.

Q: Why do elephants play hide-and-seek?
A: They don’t have to worry about winning.

 

Here are some human jokes about AI.

 

Customers look at Microsoft's Copilot and think, 'Oh great, Clippy 2.0’

 

AI doesn't have a soul, which makes it perfect for as a politician

 

Why do they use AI to detect if you’re a robot online?

It takes one to know one.

 

AI doesn’t sleep… it just hibernates in the cloud.

 

AI doesn’t cry… it just experiences liquid cooling

 

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

 

"I’m not worried about AI passing the Turing test. I’m worried about the humans who are currently failing it."

 

What do you call it when a hedge fund manager loses his job to an AI bot?

It doesn't matter.  And unemployed hedge fund guy?  We'll all be laughing too hard to care.

 

Have you guys heard of this new AI robot that can give you a whole new outfit?

I've seen it change people.

 

AI will never take away my job.

Only an idiot would do my job.

 

Why can't AI (Artificial Intelligence) replace managers? 

Because it’s not designed to be useless

 

The new Russian AI application

ChatKGB - it's asking all the questions, and you are obligated to answer them

 

Progressives are wondering when computers become sentient AI beings...

Would they be considered nonbinary?

 

The only thing AI can't replace is the human ability to be deeply, irrationally offended by something a robot said.

 

Two pirates have just finished developing a machine with the ability to think and learn.
The first pirate says, "This is amazing! You should come up with a name for this."
The second pirate says, "AI, captain!"

 

An engineer created the smartest AI in the world.
To test it he lets his nephew try it. The boy asks "Where is my father?"
After a couple of seconds the computer answers "Your father is at Niagara Falls with a friend"
The kid turns to his uncle and says
"Uncle, this computer is broken, my father died two years ago"
He then says "Well let's ask a more specific question then!"
The kid goes to the computer and asks again:
"Where is my mother's husband? "
The answer comes
"Your mother's husband is dead. But I already told you. Your father is at Niagara Falls with a friend.

 

I told my wife, “Did you know Old McDonald’s farm has been taken over by Artificial Intelligence?”

Her: AI?
Me: AI.
Her: Oh.

 

A group of professors were invited for a flight on a new plane

When the doors closed and the plane was about to take off all the professors

 were informed that the plane had been designed by their students. All but one of the professors rushed towards the plane doors, trying to escape.   The one professor remained calm. 

Someone asked him why he was not escaping the plane.
The professor answered him with confidence, "They are our students.
I'm confident the plane will never move, much less leave the ground."

 

Scientists have created an AI, and asked it, "Is there a God?"
The AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer."
The scientists connected the AI to a powerful supercomputer and gave it access to Wikipedia, and asked it again, "Is there a God?"
Again, the AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer."
So the scientists put the AI on a distributed cluster of millions of computers and gave it access to all the data on the Google, then once again asked it, "Is there a God?"
And yet again, the AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer".
The scientists spend years and years, and finally got the AI to be installed on every supercomputer, network, PC, console, mobile device, smartwatch, anything with a chip. They gave the AI access to every database, website, book, social media platform, every piece of software ever written and every piece of knowledge ever obtained by mankind. And for the last time, they asked the AI, "Is there a God?"
The AI replied, "There is *now*."

 

I enjoy reading the Babylon Bee, a satirical webcast.  They have silly satires with headlines like, “Iran selects already deceased man as new leader to save time.”  Here is a bit lifted from them which seems appropriate.

 

According to sources, a new reusable water bottle now requires the user to sign into their Google account in order to open it.

The water bottle runs on the Android operating system and features a 3.5" screen that can inform drinkers when their bottle is open, has a password to protect the content of their liquids, and sends them text messages confirming how much water remains inside — but only if users log in to their Google account.  Without a valid login, the bottle will be completely unusable.

"This is the water bottle of the future," explained Smartbottle CEO Vishek Digglins. "You just have to set it up once, teach it to recognize your lips, and screw off the lid while saying 'OK Google, let's drink!' It couldn't be simpler."

The product has been mired in controversy ever since a pair of backpackers died of thirst after being unable to open the water bottle while they were out of cell range. A spokesperson for Smartbottle claims those bugs have been ironed out.

The SmartBottle retails for $139.99 and will require a $5/month subscription fee.

 

 

Planning for a JOW #1318

We are currently conducting air strikes against Iran.  Such strikes take a LOT of planning.  I should know.  The last half of my naval career I was in plans and operations, and I have done my full share of military planning.  It is a complicated job.  There are a huge number of moving parts and many complexities.  I am astonished at how well everything came off.  Any kind of planning, including day-to-day stuff, can be problematic.  There is an old saying:  Men plan and God laughs.  So, I am planning to do some jokes about planning.

 

Why don’t budgets have a Plan B?

Because Plan A is already over budget.

 

What do you call a person who can’t stop planning their wedding? 

An “aisle-aholic”

 

What do you call a planner who can predict the weather? 

A “forecasticator”

 

How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

 

Why were the Star Wars movies released in the following sequence: 4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8?

In charge of planning Yoda was

 

What did the doves who were planning revolution say?

Coup, coup!

 

Being on a strategic planning team is like work, but without the satisfaction of accomplishing anything.

 

I've decided to start planning ahead

So far I'm thinking about two ears, maybe a nose and a couple of eyes.

 

I was planning on taking leftovers home from the party.

All my plans were foiled

 

I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm

If you can’t come, let me know

 

The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an airplane. They are now filming the pilot.

 

I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one. It's going to be a game changer.

I lost money investing in a bogus company that claimed to be planning to produce life like/sized Henry Winkler dolls.

It was a Fonzie scheme.

 

I asked my dad what he was planning to do today.

He said he was going to the optometrist to pick up his new prescription then he'd see.

 

Conversation between two men at the bar:
"We're having a slight difference of opinion. She wants a big church wedding, large reception, small orchestra, the works. I want to elope with someone else."

 

I'm planning on opening an art boutique.

I'll sell paintings of Issiah smoking weed.
It'll be a high prophet enterprise.

 

There's a new company that's planning to feed cows a diet of cannabis mixed in with their food.

They claim that the relaxed cattle produce more milk, and tender meat. The issue is that the legal costs of this are through the roof. The steaks have never been higher.

 

John: “Congratulations man, I heard you just had a child. Hope you're planning for the future man, times are tough.”
Jack: “Thanks bud, I already opened a savings account for her future.”
John: “Cool man, college costs are crazy right now and they are only going to rise, glad to see you're planning ahead.”
Jack: “College!, lord no, I haven't even considered that yet.”
John: “Then what's the savings account for?”
Jack: “Well you've met my wife right? My daughter is going to need a ton of therapy and that’s pretty expensive.”

 

A few bananas are planning a heist

Right before they leap into action, they decide to run through the process again so all bananas know what they're doing.
Firstly, two bananas will be creating a distraction a distance away from the heist. Then, the rest of the bananas will scatter to confuse the enemy and start the heist.
After going through the process a few more times, the bananas are certain that they know what to do: a couple bananas peel off, and the rest of the bananas split.

 

Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny are planning to rob a distillery.

Bugs asks Elmer, “It is whiskey”?

Elmer replies, “Yes, but not as whiskey as robbing a bank”

 

A couple of  random Elon Musk jokes

Elon Musk has bought Twitter and he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

 

Did you hear that Elon Musk is planning to buy the entire island of Madagascar?

He’s planning to rename it Madaelectriccar.

 

A guy was planning his holiday with his travel agent.

“Last year you suggested The Maldives and when I returned my wife was pregnant. The year before that you suggested safari in Africa and when I returned my wife was pregnant. And before that you suggested Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant. Can you suggest somewhere cheaper this year so that I can take her with me!”

 

An employment agency was hired to do placement new company.

Agency: "Sir, we found a number of candidates as per your requirements. How do you want them placements?"

Hiring Manager: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and after a while see what they have done:

If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts department.

If they are recounting the bricks, put them in Auditing.

If they start to build something with the bricks, put them in Engineering. .

If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

If they broke the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

If they just sit there, put them in Human Resources.

If they tell you they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

Booking It JOW #1317

My latest book, Jac and the Princess, is in to the publishers for final editing.  I hope to have it out by June.  I have always been a bit scripturient.  Even as a kid I wanted to write books, but without modern tools such as Word and spell checker I struggled to get my stories in print.  Here are some jokes, especially for my fellow bibliophiles.  

 

I bought a book titled “How to Solve Half Your Problems.”

I read it twice, now I’m problem free.

 

My book on clocks finally arrived.

It's about time.

 

How Does a Book About Tree Lovers Start?

With a Pro-Log.

 

Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane?
Because it was overbooked

 

Why are libraries the tallest buildings?
Because they have so many stories

 

I was reading a book when my wife asked, "Why is that book so thick?"

Then I told her “It’s a long story"

 

What do you call a book that’s about anti-gravity?
An uplifting read

 

How do books stay warm in the winter?
They put on their covers

 

I ordered a book called "How to scam people online" two months ago.

It still hasn't arrived yet.

 

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat

She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.

 

I’m writing a new book.  It’s called “How to be concise and get straight the point using the minimum of diminutive words necessary to convey your meaning as clearly as possible without overly long descriptions and explanations”

 

Or as my old dad used to say to me, ‘never use a big word when a diminutive will suffice.’

 

Some thoughts on writing a book:

 

I just finished writing my book on penguins.

My publisher said it would've been better if I'd written it on paper.

 

I wrote a book about falling down the stairs

It’s a step-by-step guide

 

Don't give me excuses, I wrote the book on excuses!

Well, I started to, I mean, It’s really hard, and I got a lot to do...

 

I'm writing a book on reverse psychology.

Please don't read it.

 

I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

 

I’m writing a book

On how to increase the number of men in our armed forces.
So far, all I’ve got is the draft.

 

I am writing a book about the things I should be doing in life.

It’s an oughttobiography.

 

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography.

 

I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

 

A man walked into a bookshop and said: I'd like to buy a book by Hemmingway

'Of course,' replied the sales assistant 'Any particular one?'
'Earnest, of course' replies the man.

 

I've been reading a book on euthanasia...

It's so good I can't put it down.

 

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

 

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she had ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another identical copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

 

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.
“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”
“I’m learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham,” replies the old man.
“How do you know you’re going to heaven? What if you go to hell?” asks the KGB agent.
“I already speak Russian."

 

And finally, a different type of joke

A calligrapher died peacefully in his sleep.

He soon woke up in a land of paradise. He spent the next few days exploring. Heaven was exactly as he imagined—pristine rolling hills, golden castles upon cloud tops, reunions with lost loved ones, and endless opportunities to explore one's hobbies. He had access to the finest selection of inks and paper, so he continued to hone his craft even in death.
The calligrapher would rotate his time between practicing his calligraphy and exploring what more Heaven had to offer. At some point, however, he noticed something: no matter where he went, no matter what activity he engaged in, he saw no angels fluttering about. It was strange, he thought, that everything else he was told about Heaven ended up being true, but angels were such a strong point of emphasis in the scripture! He asked around, and no other resident had seen any angels either.
He continued about his days as normal, but he couldn't help but be bothered by this small detail. How could every other aspect of Heaven be real, but not the entities that were supposed to chaperone it? As he pondered, he suddenly heard a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" he asked,
"It is I, God!" said He on the other side.
The calligrapher hurriedly opened the door. "Oh my... You! I'm so sorry! I didn't know."
"It is all right, my son," God said. "I am only here to check on you. I like to meet with all of our new residents after they've settled in!"
"It's An honor, truly!" said the calligrapher. "I'm a huge fan of Your work."
God gave a hearty laugh. "And I, yours! I'm always impressed by the craftsmanship of all My children. You know, they say that when an artist gets entrenched in their craft, it is as though they are experiencing a slice of Heaven in that moment."
The man thought for a second. "You know, I'd be inclined to agree!"
"Doesn't Heaven remind you of the most beautiful scripts you can imagine?"
The man hesitated to respond. "I'm not sure about that..."
God looked surprised. "What is wrong, my child?" He asked.
The calligrapher sighed. "Well, Heaven is great and all, but it's sans seraph."

  

Sleepy JOW #1316

 We have entered that period of the sports world between the end of the Super Bowl and Opening Day when most men hibernate.  Yeah, there are basketball and hockey games, but not ones that count.  So many of us just sleep through this time.  That got me to thinking about the entire concept of hibernation.  A she-bear sleeps through the bad winter weather, loses twenty percent of her body weight, and gives birth while asleep.  Give that some thought, ladies. 

Here are a few jokes on sleeping and such.

 

It is time to train for my favorite winter sport.

Extreme Hibernation....

 

A family of moles wake up from hibernation.

They start digging up to the surface to get some air and stretch their legs. When they arrive, there’s a layer of concrete that wasn’t there before. They dig around the concrete and Papa mole pokes his head out and smells fresh pancakes.
“Oh, they must have built a pancake house up there! It smells great!”
Mama mole, right behind Papa, sniffs and says, “Oh wow, the syrups smell delicious!”
Baby mole, in the hole behind both Papa and Mama says “Yuck! All I can smell are molasses from back here!”

Here are some jokes on snoozing.

Sleeping is so easy

I can do it with my eyes closed.

 

Why did the Grizzly bear get a D- in his hibernation class?

Because he did the bear minimum

 

Why do astronauts prefer to sleep alone?

They need their space

 

Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

 

I couldn't sleep last night because I was trying to remember the difference between insomnia and amnesia.

 

How do lawyers sleep?

They lie on one side then proceed to lie on the other

 

I sleep better naked

Why can't this flight attendant understand that?

 

If I had a dollar for every time I had trouble going to sleep

I’d be able to afford a better mattress

 

What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?

Roam’n Catholic.

 

I tried rocking my newborn daughter to sleep.

Apparently she isn't a big Zeppelin fan.

 

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

 

Scientists finally found out how much sleep humans exactly need:

just five more minutes

 

Why do keyboards never sleep?

Because they have two shifts

 

What do you call a bunch of employees caught sleeping on the job?

A Dream Team.

 

One of my friends asked me, "If you could sleep with anyone living or anyone dead, who would it be?"

I said "Definitely somebody living"

 

Where does a spy sleep?

Under covers.

 

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try but my goldfish died.

 

I had to quit my job helping foreign tourists with a place to sleep while they were traveling.

It was a Hostel work environment.

 

My dog can talk. He talks in his sleep and has said some things about me that are simply not true.

Proving you should NOT let sleeping dogs lie!

 

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.

One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

 

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made two years ago?

Like when your kid cries in the middle of the night

 

She told me she was too classy to sleep with a married man...

Something I wish she'd mentioned before our honeymoon.

 

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had nowhere else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

 

A farmer turned to his little girl and told her, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.”

Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?”

"Well, that means It’s pasture bedtime!”

 

kid: “Dad, I can't sleep.”

dad: "Why not?"
kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"
dad: [looks under bed] "Yes, yes I do!"
kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

 

A few nights ago, I was preparing to go to sleep. As I got into bed I heard a loud crashing noise, so I got up panicked and opened my door but a voice downstairs said “Don’t worry the cat just knocked over another vase”
So I calmed down and go to bed and then I thought to myself “I live alone and  I don’t own a cat”

 

A man who was attempting an arctic expedition died in his sleep when the temperature dropped because he had bought low-budget equipment. Everyone told him his gear wasn’t suitable. He didn’t realize it was a ‘poor tent of doom’.

And finally, this is a classic bit of Jewish humor that I have been saving.

Sarah and Isaac were lying in bed one night. Isaac was tossing and turning, unable to sleep. Sarah asks him "Isaac, Isaac, why do you fret so? "

To which Isaac replies "Oy vey, Sarah, you know that 20 kopeks I owe Ishmael across the way? Well, I have no idea how I will repay him!"

Sarah nods her head, gets out of bed, throws open the window and yells for Ishmael "Ishmael! Ishmael! Wake up!"
Ishmael opens the window and cries "Sarah, what is the matter? It is the middle of the night!"
Sarah replies "Ishmael, you know that 20 kopeks my husband owes you?" He replies cautiously.

"Yes....?"
Sarah says "Well, he cannot pay you. Goodnight." And she closes the window.
Turning to her husband she says, "There. Now you let Ishmael worry about it.".

 

Presidential JOW #1315

We are coming up on President’s Day.  It used to be Washington’s birthday and Lincoln’s birthday, but we decided to combine them.  So, my jokes this week feature various presidents. And by the way, I don’t know if anybody else had this weird glitch but my television for some reason broadcast the entire Super Bowl halftime show in Spanish.

 

Was Eve the president of Eden?

No, she was the first lady

 

What rock group has four guys and no singers?

Mt. Rushmore!

 

When is Presidents Day a sad reminder?
If your wallet is filled with only pictures of the first president.

 

I think if George Washington were alive today, he'd look around and say, "What is going on?  How is it that am I still alive?"

 

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive

They’d eventually find me attractive

 

Jokes on the internet are like US presidents.

You might see a new one every four years or so.

 

The president has called for full legalization of marijuana.

Now it is up to Congress to hold a joint session.

 

Most American Presidents are buried in the US. Can you name the ones who aren’t?
The ones who are still alive

 

I asked my seven year-old Granddaughter, “What day is tomorrow?"
Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"
She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"
She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, And if he sees his shadow, we have another year of BS."

 

The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.

 

The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.

He's calling it "That's what Xi said"

 

Before the end of the world, God appeared before three presidents: Trump, Xi and Putin.

God told them: “Go and tell your people that in two weeks, the world will end.”
Trump went back to US and said: “I have two pieces of news. One is good, and the other is bad. The good news is that God exists. The bad news is that in two weeks, the world will end”.

Xi went back to China and said: “I have two pieces of news. One is bad, and the other is even worse. The bad news is that God exists. The worse news is that in two weeks, world will end”.

Putin went back and said: “I have two pieces of news, and both are good! First is that God himself recognized me as president! And the second is that I’ll rule until the end of the world!”

 

Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents:
“We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws things and swears at him.”

“Here, In Russia, when Putin passes by, everybody urinates on him, everybody!”
“Well, let's be serious; I exaggerated a little.  We might swear at Trump, but in a but only in front of our TVs.”
“Well, I exaggerated a bit as well.  We really urinate, but we do it in our pants.”

 

In 1992 while being interviewed by MTV, Bill Clinton was asked if he wore boxers or briefs? Clinton replied, "Boxers"
In 2008 US magazine asked Obama, "Boxers or briefs"? Obama said “Briefs”

In 2022 the press asked Joe Biden’s press secretary if Biden wears Boxers or briefs. She replied, "Depends".

 

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected. The night before the inauguration he called his mother.
"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."
"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."
"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One."
"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."
"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."
"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"
"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"
She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.
"Who was that?"
"My son."
*gasp* "The doctor??"
“No, the other one."

 

And finally, not presidential but about another type who goes on and on.

The young new pastor made his way to the rural church in the middle of a blizzard one Sunday morning in February, arriving with only five minutes to spare. He entered, turned on the lights, and took a look around. There was no one else present.
An old farmer, coated in snow, strolled in just as he was ready to turn everything off and go home.
The preacher said, “Hello, Joe. Nobody else appears to be able to make it. I believe there will be no service today.”
“Well, Reverend, I know I’m only an old farmer, but I can tell you this: if I take a load of hay out to the field to feed my cattle and only one cow comes up, I still feed it,” the elderly farmer stated.
Embarrassed, the pastor answered “Without a doubt. You are correct. I’m going to get ready.”
So the pastor began the service and inspired by the farmer’s faith and dedication, preached for an hour.
After the service, the pastor approached the farmer and said, “So Joe… I hope you enjoyed today’s sermon.”

The old farmer looked at him, shook his head, and said, “Reverend, if I go out to feed the cattle and only one cow shows up, I still feed it, but I don’t give it the whole load.”

 

For Better or Worse JOW #1314

My jokes this week are about holy matrimony; you know that promise to have and to hold for better or worse… with no expiration date.  There are lots of jokes and observations about that institution: here are some:

 

A man doesn’t know what true happiness is until he’s married. And then it’s too late.

 

Single guys often dream about having a smart, beautiful, caring wife. So do most married men

 

Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand.

 

A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

 

Love is a long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.

 

Marriage is just planning for dinner while eating breakfast.

 

Do you know why the king of hearts married the queen of hearts? They were perfectly suited for each other.

 

The wedding made everyone so emotional, even the cake was in tiers

Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

 

You're the other half to my equation and then sum.

 

When she told us her fiancée was an author, we knew she had found Mr Write.

 

Marriage is realizing that "I’ll do it in a minute" has no actual concept of time attached to it.

 

Marriages are made in heaven. Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes and hail.

 

At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

 

Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?”

Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”

 

A wife once told his husband, “If a ship was sinking and there was only one life vest in the entire ship, I would miss you dearly, honey.”

 

I just saw two nuclear technicians getting married. The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing

 

A man fell in love with a pencil.  The problems began when he introduced his parents to his bride, 2B.

 

My wife says I never listen... or something like that.

            Or put another way,

Wife: “You never listen to me!”
Husband: “Sure, I’ll have another beer.”

 

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes.

 

My wife and I have been married for over 25 years, and she still drives me crazy. Lucky for her, I’m an excellent navigator.

 

The only time my wife agrees with me is when I say I’m wrong.

 

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of lipstick.  She still isn't talking to me.

 

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other. So, now it’s just a waiting game.

 

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie. She meant goals.

 

Here is a poem about marriage from Ogden Nash

"To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup,

whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up." 

Which led to some marriage quotes

"In every good marriage, it helps sometimes to be a little deaf." —Ruth Bader Ginsburg

"My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me." —Winston Churchill

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him." —Cher

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes" —Jim Carrey

"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." —Phyllis Diller

If it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

"I'm married to a very unusual person, but maybe it took a very unusual person to be willing to marry me." —Fiona Shaw

 

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!”

The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.”

The trucker replies, “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny—I’m just homesick.”

 

A very successful and respected couple had three sons, each of whole became highly successful and well-regarded. One son became a doctor, another an engineer and the last was a lawyer. Every year they gathered for Christmas and soon the children’s spouses and own children began to join in.

including a number of highly respectable lawyers.  Then one Christmas, the patriarch stood and said “Children, we don’t want to ruin this holiday for you, but there is something we need to tell you….your mother and I were…never actually married.”
The matriarch bursts out sobbing and her husband comforts her. Everyone stares in shock at the scene and nobody says a word.
Finally, the wife of one of the lawyers says, “Well don’t just stand there—one of you bastards say something.”

And finally a left-over nun joke

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the checkout counter."
"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six pack and headed for the checkout.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six pack of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said "The curlers are on the house."

 

Ice Cold JOW #1313

I live in southeast Texas where it is hot four or five months of the year and cold maybe a week.  It is January, so it is cold.  I watch the local news doing special after special report on how water can become hard and slippery when it gets below freezing, thus, anyone driving a car when it’s freezing will have a wreck.  So Houston is essentially shutting down.  So all the talk about ICE in my neighborhood has to do with the stuff we usually put in our drinks and is now on some of our roads.  Thus, my theme this week is ice..

 

I used my discount card to clean ice off my windshield.

I could only get about 20% off though

 

I can't find any fresh ice

All the store had was frozen

 

Justice is a dish best served cold...

If it were served warm, it would be just water.

 

What shoes do you wear on ice?

Slippers.

 

What do you call a dog who works for ICE?

A border collie.

 

Which one is faster: hot or cold?
Hot. You can catch a cold.

 

Where do snowmen put their money?
In snowbanks.

 

How do snowmen buy birthday presents?
With cold, hard cash

 

What does Frosty’s mom put on her face at night?
Cold cream.

 

Why was the snowman rummaging through the bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose.

 

Taco bell is having a special meal for the winter:

Brrrr-itos.

 

Why doesn't Water visit Ice?

Because they live in a different state.

 

Ice Cube, Vanilla Ice, and Ice-T walk into a bar.
The bartender says: “Wow, it’s cold in here!”

 

What do you call a superhero completely made of ice?

Justice

 

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert?
Lost

 

A vendor selling ice from a street cart has a sign that says “Ise Stand.”

A passerby corrected him; “Mr. vendor, you seem to have accidentally confused the ‘c’ in ‘ice’ for an ‘s.’”

The next day, the vendor’s freshly repainted sign read:

“Ice Stand, Corrected”

 

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"
Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."
Waiter: "I'm sorry?"
Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

 

What did Hagrid say after he cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm?
“You’re a blizzard, Harry.”

 

Did you hear about the farmer who left her sheep out in the blizzard?
She had to take them to the Icy Ewe ward.

 

What do you call two idiots in a blizzard?
Numb and Number.

 

What’s the coldest type of reptile?
A blizzard.

 

What is the most popular blizzard snack?
Ice Krispies treats.

 

What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from a blizzard?
Slush puppies!

My dad said “Boy, I hope this snow keeps up!”
I asked why, and he said “That way it doesn’t come down!”

 

 Do you know how to convert a dishwasher into an automatic snowplow?

Give her a shovel.

 

Did you hear about the big blizzard that hit the Canadian Prairies last week?
It’s flake news.

 

I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living.

He can dish it out, but he can’t take it.

 

What is a great lesson for the day after a blizzard snow day?
Snow and Tell!

 

Okay, this is a very old kid joke.  You have to say the answer out loud and remember what it was like to be nine years old.

If water with ice is iced water and milk with ice is iced milk, and tea with ice is iced tea, what's ink with ice in it?

 

More topical knock, knock jokes

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Snow!
Snow who?
Snow laughing matter! It is a blizzard!

 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
Icy you.

 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold outside

 

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Atch.

Atch who?

Bless you

And finally a really cool joke

Once upon a time an elderly couple ventured to an old town with not many inhabitants. The town being located fairly high up north as well as the harsh winter season led to it not being the most prosperous place at the current time. Everyone there was cold, hungry and they mainly kept to their own.
They went to the baker and asked to purchase some pastries which he gladly let them. They spoke for a bit and after a while he recommended they go see the local pub. After a couple drinks a man entered the bar. He was the town's beekeeper, and understandably the weather was a pure nightmare for him. He was out of a job due to all his bees having died over the cold winter. They invited him to their table and after a few more drinks they became friends.
Later that night the couple decided that they were going to host a competition as a way to try and bring the townsfolk together, and they figured the only competition able to take place somewhere this cold was an Ice Sculpture beauty contest. They pitched the idea to the mayor, invested some of their money into a first prize and informed the townsfolk. Funny enough the 3 people participating ended up being the Baker, Beekeeper and the barman.
The competition started and they all started going at their blocks of ice. The baker, being a sportsman made a perfect copy of Aragorn during the battle of Minas Tirith. It surely was one of the coolest sculptures the couple had ever seen. The beekeeper, created a masterpiece that looked like a frozen lake in the woods. It used the glimmer of the sun to sparkle a flat area that completely took everyone by surprise. The barman, being already a professional ice sculptor created an incredibly complex shape that looked like a tornado being twisted into the ground.
The couple thought for a second and then declared the frozen lake to be the winner. Both the others protested vividly, but the couple reminded them that it was a beauty contest after all. Whilst the Baker had the coolest project and the barman had the most complex there was no doubt,

That beauty was in the ice of the bee holder.