Artificially Intelligent JOW #1319

Artificial Intelligence is in the news a lot these days.  I thought I could use AI to help with my jokes of the week.  I told AI to write a joke —first, it wrote my resume. 

I then tried using an AI to generate a joke starting with the prompt "two guys walk into a bar." This is what I got:

Two guys walk into a bar.
It's just one guy, and he's forty.
"What will it be, sir?"
"A water," the guy says.
He takes a sip.
He grimaces and makes a face.
"That's really watery."
"Yes," says the bartender.

 

Here are a couple more examples of AI-generated humor:

Q: What's the difference between a horse and a duck?
A: A horse has legs but a duck has feathers.

Q: Why do elephants play hide-and-seek?
A: They don’t have to worry about winning.

 

Here are some human jokes about AI.

 

Customers look at Microsoft's Copilot and think, 'Oh great, Clippy 2.0’

 

AI doesn't have a soul, which makes it perfect for as a politician

 

Why do they use AI to detect if you’re a robot online?

It takes one to know one.

 

AI doesn’t sleep… it just hibernates in the cloud.

 

AI doesn’t cry… it just experiences liquid cooling

 

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

 

"I’m not worried about AI passing the Turing test. I’m worried about the humans who are currently failing it."

 

What do you call it when a hedge fund manager loses his job to an AI bot?

It doesn't matter.  And unemployed hedge fund guy?  We'll all be laughing too hard to care.

 

Have you guys heard of this new AI robot that can give you a whole new outfit?

I've seen it change people.

 

AI will never take away my job.

Only an idiot would do my job.

 

Why can't AI (Artificial Intelligence) replace managers? 

Because it’s not designed to be useless

 

The new Russian AI application

ChatKGB - it's asking all the questions, and you are obligated to answer them

 

Progressives are wondering when computers become sentient AI beings...

Would they be considered nonbinary?

 

The only thing AI can't replace is the human ability to be deeply, irrationally offended by something a robot said.

 

Two pirates have just finished developing a machine with the ability to think and learn.
The first pirate says, "This is amazing! You should come up with a name for this."
The second pirate says, "AI, captain!"

 

An engineer created the smartest AI in the world.
To test it he lets his nephew try it. The boy asks "Where is my father?"
After a couple of seconds the computer answers "Your father is at Niagara Falls with a friend"
The kid turns to his uncle and says
"Uncle, this computer is broken, my father died two years ago"
He then says "Well let's ask a more specific question then!"
The kid goes to the computer and asks again:
"Where is my mother's husband? "
The answer comes
"Your mother's husband is dead. But I already told you. Your father is at Niagara Falls with a friend.

 

I told my wife, “Did you know Old McDonald’s farm has been taken over by Artificial Intelligence?”

Her: AI?
Me: AI.
Her: Oh.

 

A group of professors were invited for a flight on a new plane

When the doors closed and the plane was about to take off all the professors

 were informed that the plane had been designed by their students. All but one of the professors rushed towards the plane doors, trying to escape.   The one professor remained calm. 

Someone asked him why he was not escaping the plane.
The professor answered him with confidence, "They are our students.
I'm confident the plane will never move, much less leave the ground."

 

Scientists have created an AI, and asked it, "Is there a God?"
The AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer."
The scientists connected the AI to a powerful supercomputer and gave it access to Wikipedia, and asked it again, "Is there a God?"
Again, the AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer."
So the scientists put the AI on a distributed cluster of millions of computers and gave it access to all the data on the Google, then once again asked it, "Is there a God?"
And yet again, the AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer".
The scientists spend years and years, and finally got the AI to be installed on every supercomputer, network, PC, console, mobile device, smartwatch, anything with a chip. They gave the AI access to every database, website, book, social media platform, every piece of software ever written and every piece of knowledge ever obtained by mankind. And for the last time, they asked the AI, "Is there a God?"
The AI replied, "There is *now*."

 

I enjoy reading the Babylon Bee, a satirical webcast.  They have silly satires with headlines like, “Iran selects already deceased man as new leader to save time.”  Here is a bit lifted from them which seems appropriate.

 

According to sources, a new reusable water bottle now requires the user to sign into their Google account in order to open it.

The water bottle runs on the Android operating system and features a 3.5" screen that can inform drinkers when their bottle is open, has a password to protect the content of their liquids, and sends them text messages confirming how much water remains inside — but only if users log in to their Google account.  Without a valid login, the bottle will be completely unusable.

"This is the water bottle of the future," explained Smartbottle CEO Vishek Digglins. "You just have to set it up once, teach it to recognize your lips, and screw off the lid while saying 'OK Google, let's drink!' It couldn't be simpler."

The product has been mired in controversy ever since a pair of backpackers died of thirst after being unable to open the water bottle while they were out of cell range. A spokesperson for Smartbottle claims those bugs have been ironed out.

The SmartBottle retails for $139.99 and will require a $5/month subscription fee.