Farewell Chuck JOW #1321

Action film star Chuck Norris passed away last week at 86, active to the last.  He was, by all accounts, a genuinely kind and generous person.  Although he was in no way self-aggrandizing, Chuck became the subject of uber man style of jokes.  I am starting my JOW with some of these jokes as a homage to a life well lived before rounding out my jokes with a miscellany of ‘on the shelf’ jokes.

 

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

·         Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

·         Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

·         Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

·         Chuck Norris told a joke about Will Smith’s wife; Will Smith slapped himself.

·         Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

·         Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

·         Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

·         Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

·         Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

·         Chuck Norris really can get chicken from a tuna can.

·         Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

·         If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

·         Chuck Norris was born in a hospital he built.  With his bare hands.

·         Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

.        When the Boogeyman goes to sleep he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

·         Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.

·         Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

·         When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris

·         If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all three at the same time? Chuck Norris.

·         Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

·         Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

·         Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

 

Some other jokes.

I'm planning to name my son Driew...

It's only weird if you say it backwards

 

My best friend told me he was planning on naming his son "Square Root of 2".

Luckily his wife managed to convince him that would be completely irrational.

 

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.
They bless the rains down in Africa.

 

My wife explained, "You need to do more chores around the house." I moaned, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and said...

"Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you."

 

My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend.

Despite begging and pleading with her, she's adamant she won't move out before then.

 

When your appendix is removed it’s called an appendectomy.

When your uterus is removed it’s called hysterectomy.

What’s it called when you have a growth removed from your head?

A haircut

 

There has been a huge spike in auto-burglaries where crooks cut openings through top of convertibles.

Police spokesman says this type of crime is “through the roof.”

 

On a related note, thieves broke into the police station and stole all the toilets.

The police spokesman said, ‘they have nothing to go on.’

 

Why did Batgirl change her name to Batwoman?

She had her Bat Mitzvah.

 

Grandma found a lump under her left breast, but the doctor said it was OK.

It was just her kneecap.

 

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach having a nice day when out of nowhere, a huge wave comes and swept him out to sea.
She dropped to her knees and pleaded, "Please God, save my only grandchild. I beg of you; my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.
Suddenly a big wave washed the boy back onto the beach, good as new.
She looked up to heaven and said: "He had a hat!"

 

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What?  You're coming empty handed?"

 

And finally, some dark grandma humor.

While visiting the old folk’s 2home, little Charlie asks his grandmother,

"Grandma, what is 'dark humor'?"

His grandma replies, "Watch, I'll show you." She points at a man in a wheelchair, and says, "See that man over there? Go and ask him to stand up."
Charlie gasps. "But grandma...!"
His grandma then points at a man with no arms. "And see him? Tell him to clap his hands! Hah!"
Charlie is visibly disgusted. "Grandma!"
Finally, Charlie has had enough, and bursts out, "But grandma! I'm blind!"
His grandma erupts into a fit of laughter. "Exactly!"

 

Arachnophobia JOW #1320

 I recently saw a headline on a satirical: Giant Spiders Invade NYC.  Experts are Concerned About a Surge in Arachnophobia.  All I saw was the headline but I could easily write the story: Giant Venomous Spiders have been seen in New York.  “They are huge,” a witness reported, “Six feet.  No, wait, those were bugs.  The spiders were eight feet.”  The spiders are alleged to be person eating, but that remains unconfirmed.  “There is nothing to fear,” said a spokes human from the mayor’s office.  “We must assume they are peaceful.  We have sent numerous emissaries, and the negotiations must still be ongoing, because none of them have returned.”  The spokesperson continued to warn people against arachnophobia.  Local activists were organizing pro-spider demonstrations.  “After all,” one protester commented, “spiders were here first.”  The spiders could not be reached for comment.”

So my jokes this week are about spiders.

 

People in Iran are scared of spiders

But in Iraq, no phobia.

 

Do you know the fear of spiders is arachnophobia? What’s the fear of chainsaws?

Common sense.

 

What kind of grill does a spider BBQ on?

A Weber.

 

Did you hear the spider who ate the fly? 

He was a real buzz kill.

 

What’s worse than a box of spiders?

A box that was meant to be full of spiders.

 

Seeing a spider isn't a problem.

It becomes a problem when the spider is gone.

 

What do you call an undercover tarantula?

A spy-der.

 

What do you call it when you have too many spiders in your house?

A no-fly zone.

 

A shark, a crocodile, and a giant spider walk into a bar.

Just another typical day in Australia

 

What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a venomous spider?

You're probably Australian

 

Why did the man return his new pair of spider silk trousers?

They looked great, but the fly kept getting stuck.

 

What do people who live in trailer parks and spiders have in common?

The males are usually only half the size of the females.

 

A spider crawled on my computer

Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl

 

What’s good for spider bites?” a person asked his doctor.

To which the doctor replied, “An irate spider.”

 

Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock.

Who’s there? 

A spider.

 

The other day I found a spider in my shoes

He looked so stupid. They were way too big for him

 

When I die I want to come back as a spider,

That way I'll finally hear girls say "omg it's huge"

 

What do you call a spider with 10 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiider

 

What text emojis do spiders use when they are happy? 

::::D

 

Why are spiders good swimmers? 

They have webbed feet

 

Did you read the book about an onion that turns into a spider? 

It’s called Shallot’s Web

 

I recently killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe

 

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy.  He's a web designer

 

Why are all the spiders in Paris so overweight?

They only eat French flies.

 

Gotta give credit to spiders.

They're the only web-developers out there that actually enjoy finding bugs.

 

What do you call a spider with lots of bugs in his big web?

A web designer with a huge net worth.

 

Husband: The female black widow spider kills the male spider after mating.

Wife: I’m pretty sure it’s to stop him from snoring

 

A male spider meets a female spider.

He tells her: "Let's have dinner."
Offended, she replies: "At least lets have sex first."

 

“What’s your biggest weakness?” asked the interviewer.

“Spiders,” replied the prospective employee.

“Professional ones?” continued the interviewer.

Said the prospective employee, “I don’t know; I’ve never seen one in a suit before.”

 

Two caterpillars are fleeing from a spider.  They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How the hell are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"

 

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.
“How much do one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.
“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies.
“Fifty dollars!” the father replies. “I’ll just find a cheap one off the web.”

 

And finally, once upon a time.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years, he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was going to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.
At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.
'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first is that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.'
The crowd laughed and snickered but undeterred the scientist opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.
'Spider, walk left'
The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.
'Spider, move right.'
The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe.
The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.
'Move left'
The spider didn't move.
'Move right'
Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.
'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it becomes deaf.'

 

Artificially Intelligent JOW #1319

Artificial Intelligence is in the news a lot these days.  I thought I could use AI to help with my jokes of the week.  I told AI to write a joke —first, it wrote my resume. 

I then tried using an AI to generate a joke starting with the prompt "two guys walk into a bar." This is what I got:

Two guys walk into a bar.
It's just one guy, and he's forty.
"What will it be, sir?"
"A water," the guy says.
He takes a sip.
He grimaces and makes a face.
"That's really watery."
"Yes," says the bartender.

 

Here are a couple more examples of AI-generated humor:

Q: What's the difference between a horse and a duck?
A: A horse has legs but a duck has feathers.

Q: Why do elephants play hide-and-seek?
A: They don’t have to worry about winning.

 

Here are some human jokes about AI.

 

Customers look at Microsoft's Copilot and think, 'Oh great, Clippy 2.0’

 

AI doesn't have a soul, which makes it perfect for as a politician

 

Why do they use AI to detect if you’re a robot online?

It takes one to know one.

 

AI doesn’t sleep… it just hibernates in the cloud.

 

AI doesn’t cry… it just experiences liquid cooling

 

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

 

"I’m not worried about AI passing the Turing test. I’m worried about the humans who are currently failing it."

 

What do you call it when a hedge fund manager loses his job to an AI bot?

It doesn't matter.  And unemployed hedge fund guy?  We'll all be laughing too hard to care.

 

Have you guys heard of this new AI robot that can give you a whole new outfit?

I've seen it change people.

 

AI will never take away my job.

Only an idiot would do my job.

 

Why can't AI (Artificial Intelligence) replace managers? 

Because it’s not designed to be useless

 

The new Russian AI application

ChatKGB - it's asking all the questions, and you are obligated to answer them

 

Progressives are wondering when computers become sentient AI beings...

Would they be considered nonbinary?

 

The only thing AI can't replace is the human ability to be deeply, irrationally offended by something a robot said.

 

Two pirates have just finished developing a machine with the ability to think and learn.
The first pirate says, "This is amazing! You should come up with a name for this."
The second pirate says, "AI, captain!"

 

An engineer created the smartest AI in the world.
To test it he lets his nephew try it. The boy asks "Where is my father?"
After a couple of seconds the computer answers "Your father is at Niagara Falls with a friend"
The kid turns to his uncle and says
"Uncle, this computer is broken, my father died two years ago"
He then says "Well let's ask a more specific question then!"
The kid goes to the computer and asks again:
"Where is my mother's husband? "
The answer comes
"Your mother's husband is dead. But I already told you. Your father is at Niagara Falls with a friend.

 

I told my wife, “Did you know Old McDonald’s farm has been taken over by Artificial Intelligence?”

Her: AI?
Me: AI.
Her: Oh.

 

A group of professors were invited for a flight on a new plane

When the doors closed and the plane was about to take off all the professors

 were informed that the plane had been designed by their students. All but one of the professors rushed towards the plane doors, trying to escape.   The one professor remained calm. 

Someone asked him why he was not escaping the plane.
The professor answered him with confidence, "They are our students.
I'm confident the plane will never move, much less leave the ground."

 

Scientists have created an AI, and asked it, "Is there a God?"
The AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer."
The scientists connected the AI to a powerful supercomputer and gave it access to Wikipedia, and asked it again, "Is there a God?"
Again, the AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer."
So the scientists put the AI on a distributed cluster of millions of computers and gave it access to all the data on the Google, then once again asked it, "Is there a God?"
And yet again, the AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer".
The scientists spend years and years, and finally got the AI to be installed on every supercomputer, network, PC, console, mobile device, smartwatch, anything with a chip. They gave the AI access to every database, website, book, social media platform, every piece of software ever written and every piece of knowledge ever obtained by mankind. And for the last time, they asked the AI, "Is there a God?"
The AI replied, "There is *now*."

 

I enjoy reading the Babylon Bee, a satirical webcast.  They have silly satires with headlines like, “Iran selects already deceased man as new leader to save time.”  Here is a bit lifted from them which seems appropriate.

 

According to sources, a new reusable water bottle now requires the user to sign into their Google account in order to open it.

The water bottle runs on the Android operating system and features a 3.5" screen that can inform drinkers when their bottle is open, has a password to protect the content of their liquids, and sends them text messages confirming how much water remains inside — but only if users log in to their Google account.  Without a valid login, the bottle will be completely unusable.

"This is the water bottle of the future," explained Smartbottle CEO Vishek Digglins. "You just have to set it up once, teach it to recognize your lips, and screw off the lid while saying 'OK Google, let's drink!' It couldn't be simpler."

The product has been mired in controversy ever since a pair of backpackers died of thirst after being unable to open the water bottle while they were out of cell range. A spokesperson for Smartbottle claims those bugs have been ironed out.

The SmartBottle retails for $139.99 and will require a $5/month subscription fee.

 

 

Planning for a JOW #1318

We are currently conducting air strikes against Iran.  Such strikes take a LOT of planning.  I should know.  The last half of my naval career I was in plans and operations, and I have done my full share of military planning.  It is a complicated job.  There are a huge number of moving parts and many complexities.  I am astonished at how well everything came off.  Any kind of planning, including day-to-day stuff, can be problematic.  There is an old saying:  Men plan and God laughs.  So, I am planning to do some jokes about planning.

 

Why don’t budgets have a Plan B?

Because Plan A is already over budget.

 

What do you call a person who can’t stop planning their wedding? 

An “aisle-aholic”

 

What do you call a planner who can predict the weather? 

A “forecasticator”

 

How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

 

Why were the Star Wars movies released in the following sequence: 4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8?

In charge of planning Yoda was

 

What did the doves who were planning revolution say?

Coup, coup!

 

Being on a strategic planning team is like work, but without the satisfaction of accomplishing anything.

 

I've decided to start planning ahead

So far I'm thinking about two ears, maybe a nose and a couple of eyes.

 

I was planning on taking leftovers home from the party.

All my plans were foiled

 

I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm

If you can’t come, let me know

 

The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an airplane. They are now filming the pilot.

 

I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one. It's going to be a game changer.

I lost money investing in a bogus company that claimed to be planning to produce life like/sized Henry Winkler dolls.

It was a Fonzie scheme.

 

I asked my dad what he was planning to do today.

He said he was going to the optometrist to pick up his new prescription then he'd see.

 

Conversation between two men at the bar:
"We're having a slight difference of opinion. She wants a big church wedding, large reception, small orchestra, the works. I want to elope with someone else."

 

I'm planning on opening an art boutique.

I'll sell paintings of Issiah smoking weed.
It'll be a high prophet enterprise.

 

There's a new company that's planning to feed cows a diet of cannabis mixed in with their food.

They claim that the relaxed cattle produce more milk, and tender meat. The issue is that the legal costs of this are through the roof. The steaks have never been higher.

 

John: “Congratulations man, I heard you just had a child. Hope you're planning for the future man, times are tough.”
Jack: “Thanks bud, I already opened a savings account for her future.”
John: “Cool man, college costs are crazy right now and they are only going to rise, glad to see you're planning ahead.”
Jack: “College!, lord no, I haven't even considered that yet.”
John: “Then what's the savings account for?”
Jack: “Well you've met my wife right? My daughter is going to need a ton of therapy and that’s pretty expensive.”

 

A few bananas are planning a heist

Right before they leap into action, they decide to run through the process again so all bananas know what they're doing.
Firstly, two bananas will be creating a distraction a distance away from the heist. Then, the rest of the bananas will scatter to confuse the enemy and start the heist.
After going through the process a few more times, the bananas are certain that they know what to do: a couple bananas peel off, and the rest of the bananas split.

 

Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny are planning to rob a distillery.

Bugs asks Elmer, “It is whiskey”?

Elmer replies, “Yes, but not as whiskey as robbing a bank”

 

A couple of  random Elon Musk jokes

Elon Musk has bought Twitter and he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

 

Did you hear that Elon Musk is planning to buy the entire island of Madagascar?

He’s planning to rename it Madaelectriccar.

 

A guy was planning his holiday with his travel agent.

“Last year you suggested The Maldives and when I returned my wife was pregnant. The year before that you suggested safari in Africa and when I returned my wife was pregnant. And before that you suggested Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant. Can you suggest somewhere cheaper this year so that I can take her with me!”

 

An employment agency was hired to do placement new company.

Agency: "Sir, we found a number of candidates as per your requirements. How do you want them placements?"

Hiring Manager: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and after a while see what they have done:

If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts department.

If they are recounting the bricks, put them in Auditing.

If they start to build something with the bricks, put them in Engineering. .

If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

If they broke the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

If they just sit there, put them in Human Resources.

If they tell you they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.