Warlike JOW #1323

 We can make jokes about anything, even war.  The US has been bombing Iran and that is a serious thing.  But, as the bleach blonde said, ‘can you lighten it up a bit’.  So here are a few lighthearted jabs most at Iran, which is a ridiculous country anyway.  As most of you know, the nation of Iran lies between the ancient lands of Babylon to the west and the mountains of Afghanistan to the east.  So in other words, it’s between Iraq and a hard place.

 

I hear Iran has no Walmart stores

Just Targets.

 

What is the national bird of Iran?

A drone

 

How did I get out of Iraq?
Iran.

 

If Iran closes the Strait of Hormuz, would it then become the Gay of Hormuz?

 

What's the difference between a terrorist recruitment center and an Iranian general? I don't know, man, I'm just a pilot.

 

Want to know how to clear out an Iranian bingo parlor? Call out B... 52

 

What do you call it when you run into the same Iranian in different bathrooms?  Same Shiite different toilet.

 

After World War 2, France seriously considered changing its name

Unfortunately, Iran was already taken

 

Just bought a new game where you have to paint pictures of Ancient Iran.

It’s called Prints of Persia

 

What always has the right of way on the battlefield?
Incoming fire.

 

The US is helping the Iranian navy by converting all their ships to submarines

 

You know why Iran's new navy has glass bottom ships?

So they can see the old Iran navy.

 

And influencer posted about his recent trip to Iran

It was a blast!

 

Iran has announced a controversial move to close outdoor markets.

Experts have described the move as a bazaar decision.

 

The agent asks an Iranian: “Are you willing to work for Israel and the United States to overthrow the Khamenei theocratic regime?”

The Iranian replies: “I am willing!”

The agent says: “That’s awesome! A hundred thousand dollars!”

The Iranian looks troubled, hesitates for a moment, grits his teeth and says: “A hundred thousand it is! But I can’t come up with that much all at once—can I pay in installments?”

 

Three Britons are on holiday in Iran, smoking weed while sitting on a bench.
One is a goth girl, the second is a very progressive man with a rainbow t-shirt, and the 3rd is a businessman in a suit and tie.
A police officer comes over and instantly arrests the businessman, taking him into his car. He then starts to drive off.
“Why did you arrest me?” Asks the businessman.
“Well, weed is haram, and very much illegal here in the Islamic Republic of Iran,” said the officer
“What about the others? They were smoking it too!” Exclaims the man.
“That is true,” said the officer, “but over here we also don’t have any issue with women and gays getting stoned.”

 

Once upon a time in Iran a Mullah was walking the street and suddenly fell into a hole.
Some people walking around rushed to the top of the hole to help him
“Give us your hand!” they cried.
The Mullah stood still in the bottom of the hole while the people kept shouting to him.
After a few minutes they stopped and rushed to ask another Mullah who was walking by for advice.
“What did you tell him?” asked
“ Give us your hand!”
“Ah, I see, wrong sentence.  Instead try ‘Take our hand’.”

 

And for those of you who got my ‘Al Kaline’ joke last week, here is another acid joke going around. 

The Israelis are bombing Iranian bases because it turns out that if you need to neutralize a base, an Hasidic solution works just fine.

 

Enough on Iran.  Some other jokes

I just read about a set of newlyweds who had a nice, romantic two-day honeymoon… in the TSA line.

 

The TSA lines have been eliminated after they were taken over by Chick-fil-a.

 

Or maybe the lines disappeared after they eliminated the colonoscopies.

 

I went to a reverse psychologists’ convention.

You shouldn’t go. You’d hate it.

 

I’m a corrections officer at an old prison and all my coworkers think the place is haunted.  I have no idea what they're on about. I've been walking this beat here for the last 150 years and have never experienced a thing.

 

Two Eskimos were traveling in a kayak when a sudden blizzard blew in.
Trapped with no way to see which way was home, they started freezing to death.
One of them had a bright idea to light a fire in the bottom of the boat to keep warm.
Unfortunately, it burned a hole in the bottom of the boat. The boat sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

 

Finally:

 A man went to an ice sculpture showcase.  Hundreds of people were milling around admiring the works of art. But for some reason, everyone was very quiet and only whispering. The man, being a talkative and social guy, did not like this so he tried to change the mood.
He went around to different groups of people and tried to strike up a conversation with some of them. But people just ignored him.
In a fit of frustration, he grabbed the nearest ice sculpture and smashed it on the ground. Amazingly, it didn't shatter. The man started stomping on it. Again, the ice sculpture didn't even crack a bit. Enraged, the man threw everything he got at it, punching, kicking and stomping. Somehow, the ice sculpture still remained intact.
Around him, people were horrified. An old lady called out "What are you doing! That's my sculpture!"
The man looked around, embarrassed "Oh, I was just trying to break the ice."