Pun-ishing JOW #433

I just love puns, just like many other troubled people. Here are a bunch of ‘good’ ones. Okay, the term ‘good pun’ is an oxymoron. Or some kind of a moron, anyway.

· Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

· Wrap your expensive German car around a telephone pole and you will discover how the Mercedes Bends

· A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

· Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

· When William joined the army he quickly came to hate the phrase 'fire at will'.

· Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run

· Q. What's the definition of a will?
It's a dead giveaway

· Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

· Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

· When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

· To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence

· The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man' was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.

· Is stealing someone's coffee cup called 'mugging'?

· Q. What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
A tire.

· Yesterday I rode my bike twice, I guess that makes me a recycler.

· He said I was average - but he was just being mean.

· Women who wear expensive perfume obviously have no common scents.

· If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.

· I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.

· Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

· Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

· Tennis players don't marry because Love means Nothing to them.

Okay, here are a couple of ‘real jokes’.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' asked the clerk, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, the clerk noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' She asked.
'No,' the shopper replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.


A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "On a trip to the Black Hills, near Sturgis, South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the biggest, toughest bike, smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago."