Cutting Back JOW #443

As some of you might have heard, HP did not make our revenue goals this quarter. Therefore we are all getting a pay cut until morale improves. What is really sad about this is that it is not the worst thing they could have done.
In the spirit of , hey, if we are going to save money, lets go all out, here are some proposed new policies.

NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore you get a 5% pay cut.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you get a 5% pay cut.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you get a 5% pay cut.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends,
relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend
the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is
necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Now for something entirely different.—He said, She said.
He said. . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
**
He said. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said… That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
**
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
**
He said. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said… They don't have time
**
She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every
night?
He said. . . A widow.
**
He said… Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
**
He said… "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
She said ... "I'll miss you."
**
It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
**
He said: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours!
She said… I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!
**
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.

Don contributed this joke which I had never heard before.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the
doctors did not know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," as she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and
it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is -- sternum.