Rodeo JOW

We did the rodeo thing this week, two times. The Houston Livestock and Rodeo is an amazing event, starting with the Trail Rides who come in by horse and wagon, often from hundreds of miles away. The event is held in and around Reliant Stadium, in the parking lot and inside the football area. Of course there is enormous livestock show, where kids show the steers, pigs, chickens, rabbits, etc. that they have raised, competing for scholarship money there is an enormous carnival, complete with cheesy lighted rides, traditional killer food objects, lots of lights, and rigged games. It is all very mid-twentieth century. Then there is the rodeo: seven separate events with 10 cowboys and girls competing, followed by a calf scramble where 28 kids try to put a halter on 14 calves. The winners get an animal to raise for the next Livestock show. Then they have a concert. Since there are crowds of +50,000 people they get some pretty big stars. They are mostly country, but they also have soul and rock bands. Some group called the Jonas Brothers sold out in an hour. We saw a group called Rascal Flats one night and Alan Jackson the next. It was quite the cultural experience.
To recognize this aspect of my Texas experience I have a few cowboy related jokes this week. They are a bit raunchier than my usual offerings, but then cowboys are an earth people.
================
A cowboy is pulled over by a special constable.
The constable, being a wannabe policeman, lectures the cowboy about speeding.
Finally he gets around to writing out the ticket. Flies begin buzzing around his head.
"Problems with circle flies?" asks the cowboy.
"If that's what they're called," says the constable. "I never heard of circle flies."
"Circle flies hang around ranches," says the cowboy. "They're called circle flies because they usually circle the rear of a horse."
"Oh," says the special constable. Then he stops. "You calling me a horse's ***?"
"Oh no, sir," the cowboy replies. "I respect law enforcement too much to call you a horse's ***."
"Good thing," mutters the constable, finishing off the speeding ticket.
After a pause, the cowboy says in his best drawl, "Hard to fool them flies though."

This one was new to me
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "Okay, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted,
"Oh no! I forgot I was riding the mare!"

Another version of one of my favorites:
A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees a shepherd sitting on his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun...
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Shepherd: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' alright." Shepherd: extreme look of shock
Cowboy: " Is this man your owner?" pointing at Shepherd.
Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Shepherd: look of disbelief.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Shepherd: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Shepherd: extreme look of shock
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Shepherd.
Horse: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Shepherd: total look of amazement
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Shepherd: "The sheep Lie!”

Old and political, but funny.
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as Bill Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."
Immediately, a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.
A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV. "She's a horse's ass too," he said.
A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over, and knocked him off his stool.
"Damnit!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
Here are a few troubling thoughts to close with:
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged,
models deposed,
bedmakers could be debunked,
baseball players debased,
landscapers deflowered
bulldozer operators degraded,
musical composers decomposed
software engineers detested
and
Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and then depleted!