Big Fat JOW #487

I am back from my vacation up in the not so snowy mountains. There was more snow in Houston (!) than in Tahoe during my absence. The scenery was spectacular but visiting old friends was the real fun of it all.
Alas, in one short week I managed to gain five pounds. I shouldn’t let things like that bother me. After all, “a waist is a terrible thing to mind”. It’s just that my mother -in-law has come to visit. Now make no mistake, I like Helen fine, but she likes to cook and I like what she prepares. Last time she visited I gained almost 15 pounds. I am doomed; doomed I tell you. I keep trying to lose weight but it keeps finding me. I would be fine if complaining about gaining weight actually burned off calories.
With all that in mind I thought I would have some thoughts and jokes on diets and size. As they say: diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
• A diet is a weigh of life.
• It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.
• The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.
• The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.
• Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
• The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.
• A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.
• Many women reduce and reduce, yet still never manage to become a bargain.
• The best way to lose weight is by skipping ... snacks and desert.
• Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two... while alone.
• A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories instead of its blessings.
• One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: If you're thin, don't eat fast. If you're fat, don't eat - FAST.
• Above all, dieters are advised to avoid Pepsi, "the pause that refleshes."

It all started a long time ago. It is written:
God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
And Satan brought forth a chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs.
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Writing of HMO’s, I just got the word on these new drugs under development by female chemists.
• DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
• PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
• CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug were more willing to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.
• COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
• BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts.
• NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
• FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
• PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
• LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Politician Strength versions.

And for a final off-beat offering here is a Boudreaux joke:

Down around the Texas-Louisiana border, there has been a recent rash of illegal cock fighting, with quite a bit of gambling. The director of the Louisiana State Police finally bent to public pressure and sent an investigator to get to the bottom of the problem.
The crack investigator, Boudreaux, took an unmarked cruiser and headed for Mamou. He was gone for two days and arrived back in Baton Rouge to report to the director.
He reported that there were three major groups involved in the illegal cock fighting - Texas Aggies, Cajuns and the Mafia.
Of course, the boss wanted to know how he surmised this, and he replied that he figured there were Texas Aggies involved when he saw someone enter a duck into the fight.
He knew that there were Cajuns involved when someone bet on the duck.
He was absolutely positive that the Mafia was involved when the duck won!