Yuletide JOW #489

It has been brought to my attention that it is almost Christmas. I am far from being the most perceptive gift-giver but I have learned a few things about gifts not to give to women, most especially women you either live with or would like to live with. Consider the advice my gift to you. And Merry Christmas to all!

Gifts best not given:
• Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on TV or anything you see in an informercial.
• Do not consider any bulk cleaning supplies as a gift. Imagine lines like: "Honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." If you make this mistake, all I can say is, be prepared to run. Even a $5 Chia Pet is better than this.
• Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you.
• Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift.
• No name perfume that costs $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the toilet.
• Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Men, if you are not gay or a transvestite, you do not have good enough taste to buy a woman clothing she had not specifically selected in advance.
• Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network.
• Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat" in Husband School. If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.)
• Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law

Here are some lines that might come in handy when someone hands you that “Special Gift”
• It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.
• Well, well, well...
• I really don't deserve this.
• I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
• If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
• Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
• To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
• Gosh, you shouldn’t have. Really.

Companies used to give things called “Christmas Parties.” In these troubled economic times most businesses are no longer holding them because the expense of these events is starting to cut into the bonuses of senior executives. But if you do go, try not to overindulge.

Here are some helpful tips to let you know you have taken too much Holiday Cheer.

You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

Finally, sometimes Christmas Stress can effect everyone.

One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and they were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax.
When he got there, Miss Clause was all up in his face and wouldn't let down. Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He said the reindeer were sick and tired of Santa not upgrading to the new lightweight sliegh and they were joining the elves walkout. Santa slammed the door and threatend "The next person who knocks on that door is gonna get it!"
Just then there was a knock on the door. Santa flung the door open and there stood a tiny little angel. The angel had been searching for the perfect Christmas tree for Santa's house all day long, until it found the perfect one. The little angel asked, "Santa, I was wondering where you would like me to stick this tree?"
And that is the story of how the angel atop the tree tradition began.