Once again the JOW will be a mixed bag of stuff as no central theme came to mind.
First I have one for Bil- the words to an old ditty.

It was early last September
As near as I remember
I was walking down the street entipsyfied
No one was I disturbing as I laid down by the curbing
And a Pig came up and lay down by my side
As I lay there in the gutter
Thinking thoughts I cannot utter
A lady passing by was heard to say
“You can tell a man who boozes
By the company he chooses”

And the Pig got up and slowly walked away.


Here are some random animal facts:

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(Who does this sort of research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Glad I don’t. I have dogs.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

================================
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said in a loud voice, “You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.”
The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a wealthy young widow who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard. You'll have to drive her around in her Mercedes-Benz. Because she wants her attendant to look good she will supply all of your clothes. Meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the widow on her overseas holiday trips.”
The man, just plain wide-eyed, said, “you’ve got to be kidding me!'
The social worker said, “Yeah, well... you started it!'

==============================
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
Don’t mess with old folks.

=========================
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
'I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind, people continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee.”

=============================
A Priest was being honored on his last day in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. Later I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician.’In fact, I had the honor of being the very first person to go to him for confession."

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late