In Passing JOW

I want to thank all of you for your many kind condolences after the passing of my old friend Khobar. Your many kind words, cards, and flowers (!) made it much easier for me to get over my loss. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
However, never being one to be too serious about any topic for long, I decided to address the usually taboo subject of death and funerals in the Joke of the Week. Here are half a dozen related jokes.
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An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" He would threaten at the top of his lungs.
They believed the old man practiced black magic. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: ‘Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? This man practiced black magic swore that when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?’
The wife put down her drink and smiled at her worried friends. . . "let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down."

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A MUSICIAN had given orders that when he died, his flute was to be buried with him.
"What did you think, madam:" a friend asked the widow.
"Well," she replied, "I thought it a blessing he didn't play the piano."

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“I want you to spend at least $20,000 on my funeral,” the cranky old man demanded of his wife while on his deathbed. “I want a big ceremony, a fine casket, and a high quality memorial stone.”
“And I did,” the new widow assured her friends after he had passed, “$1,000 for the ceremony, $3,000 for the casket, $4,000 for the plot, and the rest for a memorial stone.”
“Goodness,” her friends said sympathetically, for her husband had been a mean, tight-fisted man. “That means you had to have spent $12,000 for the stone. How big is it?”
The widow smiled and extended her hand for display, "About three carats."

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One evening my husband and I were talking about our wills. I asked him, if he should go first, what funeral arrangements he would like. He told me he wanted to be cremated and have his ashes scattered over Catalina Island.
"Why Catalina?" I asked.
"Why? Because I've never been there before."
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A husband and his wife were lying in bed one night and the subject or mortality came up.
“If I die, would you ever remarry?” she asked of her husband.
“Well, I suppose I would. Not for a while, of course, but I would probably remarry someday.”
This interested his wife. “Well, would you still live in this house?”
“I guess so. It is a good house and the note is almost paid off on it.”
Brief silence. Then: “Well, would you let her drive my car?”
“I suppose so; it is in pretty good shape. Why would I want a new one?”
Another silence as this was digested.
“Well,” she said with some mild indignation, “would you let her use my golf clubs?”
“Oh, no, she is left handed.”
Deep, prolonged silence.

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An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.
“Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. They say you can’t take it with you. I am going to prove everyone wrong. I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars cash. When I die, I want all three of you throw the money into my grave as it is being filled.
At the old man’s funeral each of the three men were seen to throw and envelope into the grave. Then the 3 men adjourned to a local bar to toast their departed friend. After a time the doctor had a confession,
"I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of the cash. He owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in as he requested."
The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept back $25,000 dollars cash for the church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."
Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote him a personal check for the full amount and threw it in!!!"