Architecturally Sound JOW

My friend Richard suggested I try to use architects as a theme for my Joke of the Week; tough subject. But if I can do math jokes, accountant jokes, and even jokes about my dog dying, I can figure out something on architects. I did have to fall back on some material from my days as a carpenter’s helper at the Bust A Grape Masonry and Contracting Company. There are lots of jokes abusing contractors.
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Some scientists did an experiment. They took an architect and put him in a room with three small glass balls on a table. They left him and returned an hour later to find the balls stacked in a pyramid.
They ask him why he did it and he replied, "Because I knew it could be done."
Next they took an civil engineer and put him in the room with the balls. When they returned the balls were stacked straight up one on top of each other.
They ask why he did it and he also answered, "Because I knew it could be done."
Then they experimented with a contractor. After an hour they returned to find one ball on the table.
They ask him what happened and he goes "Umm ... well ... I broke one and the other one is in my lunchbox, I'm taking it home.

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Tom and Andy were working on a house. Tom, who was nailing down siding, would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
Andy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Tom explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"
Andy got upset at his hapless helper. "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
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Back when I was working as a “carpenter”, I was supposed to attach some galvanized sheet metal flashing with some long galvanized screws. I asked my foreman to hand me a screwdriver and was surprised when he handed me a hammer.
"No," I said, "I need a screwdriver."
"Here you go," he said, proffering the hammer again.
"No," I protested, "I want that long, skinny thing with the handle at one end and the flat blade at the other."
"Oh!" he said. "You want the screw remover!"


Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.
At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So, off they went to check it out.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well, I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2,700."
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas."

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Q: Where do timber suppliers hold rock concerts?
A: Woodstock.

Q: What did the Mechanical Engineer do when he saw an air conditioning pipe flying towards him?
A: Duct.

Q: Why did the contractor falling over necessitate relaying the foundations?
A: Because he lost his footing.

• Something bothers me: why are ‘civil engineers’ so often rude?


There are a variety of people who have roles in building the structures in which we live and work. Here are a set of definitions for those noble professions.

• Architect ─ While your designs may be visually stunning, chances are that is all they are.
• Landscape architect. ─ With designs both ecologically friendly and attractive to the community, landscape architects are well received by all people except Architects. Too bad there's this thing called rain.
• City planner ─ You actually understand that a site does not exist in a vacuum and ought to fit into its context. Unfortunately, there's very little you can do about it.
• Civil engineer ─ Your designs are solid and work, as they follow the simplest way of solving the problem. Fortunately there are architects to ensure not everyone's living in a box.
• Contractor ─ You don't really care what's being built, only how it's built. Or maybe you don't care much about that either.
• Developer. ─ You actually get stuff built that 99% of the population finds agreeable. Too bad the other 1% always happen to be the people in the neighborhood where you're actually building.


Thos. Pinney