Neurosurgical JOW

Ruth suggested a medical theme for this week, with an emphasis on neurosurgery which is what she is doing this week. Brain surgeons are not all that funny, but doctors and medicine in general are a rich sources of humor. Here are a few tidbits for your amusement.
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A woman was having a medical problem - her husband was snoring. So she called the doctor and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"
"Hmmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline:

• If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
• If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
• If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so
we can trace your call.
• If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transferred to the Mother ship
• If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are Manic Depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
• If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
• If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
• If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
• If you have short-term memory loss, please call again later.
• If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to talk to you.

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An internist, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist go out duck hunting. The internist sees a duck overhead, raises his gun to fire, but does not fire, saying that it may look a duck and may sound like a duck, but it might not BE a duck, so the duck flies away. The psychiatrist sees a second duck and gets up to fire, but says that while it may look like a duck, he wonders if it really feels like a duck, so the duck flies away. A third duck flies by, the surgeon gets up, fires, and shoots down the duck.
Then he turns to the pathologist and says, “Go see if it’s a duck.”

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Health care and HMOs are sensitive issues these days. Here are some signs that you need to change your HMO.

• Annual breast exam are conducted at Hooters.
• Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
• The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
• The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
• The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An apple a day."
• Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
• The line “patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
• The only expense fully covered is embalming.
• Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
• You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop!"
"Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?"
"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
"Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie."
"Darn, there go the lights again...."
"I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses."
"Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."
"What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change?"
"Anyone see where I left that scalpel?"
"This patient has already had some kids, right?"
"Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?"
"Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"

Thos. Pinney