Return of the Tom Swifties JOW

It has been two long years since I last inflicted my JOW sufferers with some Tom Swifties. The Tom Swift series of books were originated by Edward Stratemeyer in a series of books starting back in the early Twentieth Century about a character called Tom Swift. The leading character was modeled as sort of a cross between Glenn Curtis and Thomas Edison. The dialog in these juvenile books tended to be somewhat hackneyed as might be expected from a series of over almost 100 books.
A Tom Swifty is a phrase in which a quoted sentence is linked by a pun to the manner in which it is attributed, such as “We must hurry,” Tom said swiftly. They are otherwise known as adverbial puns. The only rule is that the adverbs end in "-ly".
Warning, Tom Swifties are highly addictive.

• “I’ll have a martini,” Tom said dryly.
• " I'm an ordained minister," said Tom reverently.
• " ," said Tom blankly.
• " ..., and you lose a few," said Tom winsomely.
• "I still haven't struck oil," said Tom boringly.
• "We just struck oil!" Tom gushed crudely.
• "A thousand thanks, Monsieur," said Tom mercifully.
• "Add this list of n numbers and divide the sum by n," said Tom meanly.
• "As soon as the rain stops, we'll break camp," said Tom intently.
• "Those stormy winds sure have died down,” said Tom disgustedly.
• "Boy, will I give YOU a haircut!" said Tom barbarously.
• "Buy me something to drink?" said Tom dryly.
• "Get away from the dynamite," Tom said explosively.
• "I'd love some Chinese food," said Tom wantonly.
• "I brought the dessert," said Tom piously.
• "I collect fairy tales," said Tom grimly.
• "I commanded a group of ships for a week," Tom said fleetingly.
• "As my sole heir, you get it all," said Tom willfully.
• "I forgot some of the groceries I went to buy," Tom said listlessly.
• "I hate pies with crumb bases," said Tom crustily.
• "I joined the Lion's Club," said Tom pride fully.
• "I just returned from Asia," Tom said disoriented.
• "I MUST patch this coat." Tom said raggedly.
• "I need a home run hitter," Tom said ruthlessly.
• "I need a pencil sharpener," said Tom bluntly.
• "I only get Newsweek," said Tom timelessly.
• "I think I'll use a different font," said Tom boldly.
• "I want to date around," said Tom unsteadily.
• "I was removed from office," said Tom disappointedly.
• "I won the daily double," Tom cried hoarsely.
• "I love hot dogs," Tom said frankly.
• "I'll pay that customs official," said Tom dutifully.
• "I'll try and dig it up for you," Tom said gravely.
• "I'm back from my lobotomy," said Tom absentmindedly.
• "I'm knitting a sweater for my guppy," said Tom wolfishly.
• "I've lost my trousers," Tom said expansively.
• "Keep an eye on that orbit," Tom said watchfully.
• "Let's get married," said Tom engagingly.
• "Let's visit tombs," said Tom cryptically.
• "Look at those newborn kittens," said Tom literally.
• "Mush!" Tom said huskily.
• "My pencil is dull," said Tom pointlessly.
• "My stereo's half-fixed," said Tom monotonously.
• "My stereo’s sound is working great now," said Tom ecstatically.
• "Who left the toilet seat down?" Tom asked peevishly.
• "Pass me the shellfish," said Tom crabbily.
• "That's the last time I'll stick my arm in a lion's mouth," the lion-tamer said off-handedly.
• "I am going to look for the Holy Grail again," Tom requested.
• "I unclogged the drain with a vacuum cleaner," Tom said succinctly.
• "I might as well be dead," Tom croaked.
• "They had to amputate them both at the ankles," Tom said defeatedly.

---------------------------------------
I have to have a real joke included in the JOW, so here is one.

Two women are arguing about which dog is smarter....
First Woman : "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.
Second Woman : "I know..."
First Woman : "How?"
Second Woman : "My dog told me."

Finally, here is a true account recorded in the incident log of Jasper Cty, SC Sheriff's Office.

An elderly Sun City lady did her shopping at Wal-Mart and, upon returning to her car, found four young men in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into; the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the Jasper County sheriff's office to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.


Thos. Pinney