High Flying JOW

Like all right thinking Americans I dislike the TSA. The TSA security measures are there primarily so politicians can say ‘look at all the money we are spending to “keep you safe”’. Seriously, not even the Israelis make people take off their shoes. I was briefly worried after the latest failed effort to blow up an airliner; I mean if a failed shoe bomber required us to take off our shoes, and a failed deodorant bomber made us show our toiletries, then there was a failed underwear bomber…
Jokes about the airport security abound:

Since the pen is mightier than the sword, will they soon ban ball point pens at airport screenings?
And thank goodness for those flying monkeys, the Tin Man would never get past the metal detectors.
Vermont and New York cheddar cheese can be brought on board airplanes, but not Wisconsin cheddar— it is by far the sharpest cheese in the cheddar family.

Two ex-Transportation Security Administration screeners were working security at a football stadium. One turns to the other and says,
“I miss pawing ladies' underwear like we could when we was screenin' for the TSA”.
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Some good old airline and airplane jokes:

One of the oldest jokes I remember has to do with automation of flight controls. My long-time friend Nancy, (I did not say “old friend” because, like me, she is Still Under Sixty) has been working on such programs to reduce or even someday eliminate the need for pilots and their associated costs:
The passengers of a new airline were thrilled to be on the first flight of the sleep new airplane. Shortly after takeoff there was a communication from the cockpit.
“Welcome aboard Apple Airlines. We are climbing to our cruising altitude of 32,000 feet. This is the first commercial airline in the world to fly with no pilots. That’s right the entire flight will be controlled by sophisticated computers and operated by our new iFly program. Do not be concerned about the absence of flight crew. The flight program is absolutely flawless and nothing can possibly go wrong….go wrong….go wrong.

I told you it was an old joke. Here is a related but newer one.
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At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless.
When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
“With my team's software the plane is unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.”

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USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

……………….

On a flight from Anchorage to Tokyo, the flight engineer went back into the passenger cabin. An elderly woman passenger stopped him and asked him what the temperature was.
'It's 70 degrees, madam,' he replied, adding, 'But outside it's 30 degrees below zero.'
'Young man,' the woman demanded, 'What were you doing outside?'

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The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said in a strangled voice, "You mean you're not the flight instructor"

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Finally, some aircraft truisms:
• The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
• There is no such thing as too much airspace above you or runway behind you.
• If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe
• What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
• The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; ...it can just barely kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
• When it comes to making the lowest possible pass, the best you can do is tie the record.
• Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, water, mountains and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

Thos. Pinney