Imagine Whirled Peas

I vividly remember in the spring of 2002 watching military transport ships in the port of Houston being loaded with all the engines of war in preparation for the Second Gulf War. Recently I have noticed railroad flat cars loaded with desert camouflaged up-armored and well-worn Humvees, tanker trucks, and other military rolling stock all headed north; back to their various homes in bases here in the States. Equipment comes home from war just as men do. It got me thinking about peace and other deep thoughts. If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
Until that happens, here are some jokes for a peaceful week.

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A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man in Jerusalem who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. She thought that would make a good story. So she drove to the wall and, sure enough, there was the elderly gent, praying away. She watched him for an hour and, as he turned to leave, approached him for an interview.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall to pray?”
“Sixty years.”
“Sixty years! Amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between Christians, Jews and Muslims. I pray for all hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.”
“So how do you feel after doing this for so long?”
“I feel like I’m talking to a bloody wall!”

Two recent headlines
“The peace making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.”

“War Dims Hope for Peace.”

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In order to, as Thomas Jefferson put it, “to promote domestic tranquility” here are some things that might lead to greater peace around the home:
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a man.
The five questions are:

1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one of them is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:

1 - “What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful,
intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Sports
b - Cars
c - Food
d - Sex
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

Of course the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg.
"If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 - “Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear" or “Yes, more than ever,” or even “Of course”
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

3 - “Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room, by a window if necessary.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I’ve seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4 - “Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you glanced at or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 - “What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."
Wrong answers include:
a – Why, are you feeling sick?
b – Well, I would have a funeral for you or something
c – I guess, give all your clothes and stuff to your sister.
d - I probably would remarry; widows outnumber widowers by a wide margin
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

………………………..
Finally, a tribute to peace of another kind:

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.

Thos. Pinney