Christmas JOW

Here is a Christmas JOW for you all. I will start with a poem by Ogden Nash. I like it but continue to wonder how Mr. Nash made a living with poems like this one.

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It is better in the long run to possess an abcess or a tumor
Than to possess a sense of humor
People who have senses of humor have a very good time
But they never accomplish anything of note, either despicable or sublime
Because how can anyone accomplish anything immortal
When they realize they look pretty funny doing it and have to stop to chortle
- Ogden Nash
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Now on to the Christmas humor

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I think Santa Claus is a woman. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once they do start shopping they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and processed amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the wall.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
A man can't pack a bag.
A man would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
A man doesn't answer his mail.
A man would refuse to allow his physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
A man isn't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Finally, having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit his ability to pick up women.

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I am flying this Christmas. I noticed the Airline Formerly Known as Continental has put up some lovely Christmas decorations: Mistletoe. It is there so you can KISS YOUR LUGGAGE GOODBYE!
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One Christmas, Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
"Watch out," Phil told Will, ”that guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"

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In a small east Texas town there was a Nativity Scene that had the three wise men wearing firemen's helmets. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
“They must have been firemen; it says so right in the Bible!"
I told her I simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said
"See, it says right here, ’The three wise man came from afar.'"

Some short silly third-grade quick jokes.


-What is green, covered with tinsel and goes "ribbet ribbet"?
A mistle-"toad"!

-What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!

-What do you call an exploding Christmas tree?
A Tannen-Bomb!

-Knock. Knock.
Who's there?
Hanna.
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree!

-What do you get when you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle smells!

-Why is the turkey such a fashionable bird?
Because he's always well dressed when he comes to dinner!

-Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crummy!

-Where does mistletoe go to be an actor?
"Holly"-wood!

-Why don't penguins fly?
Because they're too short to be pilots!

-Why did the mosquito buzz around the bar?
Because he was a "bar humbug"!

-I keep Christmas in my heart every month of the year.
That's because it's on my charge card statement that long!

-Where do you keep a Christmas tree?
Between a Christmas two and a Christmas four!

-How much difference is there between the North Pole and the South Pole?
All the difference in the world!

-What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?
A porcupine!

-A Christmas definition:
The time of year when you exchange "hello's" with strangers and "good buy's" with friends!

-What is in December that isn't in any other month?
The letter "D"!

-Knock Knock. Who's there? Holly. Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!

- Bringing this to a merciful end, here is a recipe for disaster

Every year during the holidays we get to create a masterpiece of culinary delight – Rum Cake
Here is the recipe:

1 or 2 quarts rum baking powder
1c. butter 1tsp. soda
1tsp. sugar lemon juice
2 large eggs brown sugar
1c. dried fruit nuts

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it. With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is still holding its quality - try another cup. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Open second quart, if necessary. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter which). Sample the rum again. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add one babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the rum again, and bo to bed.