Mutli Denominational JOW

This week my theme is religion in some of its many variations. Of course there are a lot of things we worship that have nothing to do with God. I am somewhat amused at the great furor about the anti-religious ads taken out by some atheists. People often react with anger and outrage when someone questions their previously unexamined beliefs. For heaven’s sake, the non-believers are merely exercising their constitutional right of freedom of religion or lack thereof. They are welcome to their dogma of nothing. But one thing does bother me: why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're called schizophrenic?
Here are some sort of religiously oriented jokes and observations.


Two Jehovah’s Witnesses were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and in fact bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said...
"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.”

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Mary Ellen sent me this one:

I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point.
The last question was, "Where do most women have curly hair?"
Apparently, the correct answer is ‘Africa’ .
I’ve been asked to find another place to worship.

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It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy pulling a new red wagon around and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get your little friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?” asked the Pastor.
The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."

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A large city-wide ecumenical service was in progress when someone smelled smoke and yelled "Fire!" Each denomination responded in their own individual way...

• The Church of Christ group pushed everybody into the water.
• The Lutherans nailed a paper to the door declaring 95 ways in which fire was evil. They then held a potluck dinner.
• The Episcopalians formed a liturgical procession and marched out in an orderly manner behind an acolyte.
• The Unitarians concluded the fire had as much right to be there as anyone and announced they would add its unique origins to their open celebration of life.
• The Christian Scientists elected a reader who gently persuaded them that there really was no fire.
• The 7th Day Adventists said it was the vengeance of an angry God.
• The Jehovah's Witnesses wrote an article about it and divided into groups to visit all the other denominations and sell copies.
• The Presbyterians commissioned a new anthem based on the atonal modalities of the sirens.
• The Pentecostals sharply rebuked the fire in unknown tongues.
• The Catholics petitioned the Bishop for permission to leave before they had been blessed.
• The Christians (Disciples) asked their pastor to stay out of it and referred the fire to the next Board of Elders meeting for a response.
• The Methodists gathered in a corner to pray that the traditional profession of firefighting could be peacefully blended with the contemporary nature of the flames.
• And the Baptists attempted to appoint three committees and pass an offering plate -- but soon quit speaking to each other after disagreeing whether the word "fire" was a fundamental, moderate or liberal concept.

Then there is the “toys” philosophy of various denominations

• Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
• Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
• Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
• Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
• Anglican - They were our toys first.
• Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
• Atheism - There is no toy maker.
• Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
• Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
• Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
• Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go to prison if we catch you selling yours.
• B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.
• Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
• Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.
• Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
• Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.
• Hedonism – To hell with the rules! Let's play!
• Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
• 7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
• Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
• Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
• Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
• Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination. Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.
• Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.

And speaking of Confucianism, here are a few more bits of Chinese wisdom
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many cheap prunes get good run for money.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.


Thos. Pinney