Sailing JOW

This will be a short JOW as I am writing this in the cabin of Silver Heels, a Pearson 442 sailboat moored just off Bocas Del Toro, Panama. I am helping Tor Pinney bring his boat around to Florida so you will all be spared my jokes next week.
I must admit Bocas Del Toro exceeded my fondest hopes. It is rural, inexpensive, open, safe, and friendly; much like the eastern Caribbean used to be but no longer is. We will be getting underway early on St. Patrick’s Day and heading north.

Here are a few sailing definitions for those of you who are unfamiliar with sea.

• Cruising - Fixing your boat in exotic locations.
• Chart - A type of map which shows exactly where you are aground.
• Great Circle Route - The ship's course when the rudder is jammed.
Hanging locker - A small, enclosed space designed to keep foul weather gear wet and to turn all other clothing green.
• Headway - What you are making if you can get the toilet to work.
• Beam Sea - A situation in which waves strike a boat from the side, causing it to roll unpleasantly. This is one of the four directions from which wave action tends to produce extreme physical discomfort. The other three are 'bow sea' (waves striking from the front), 'following sea' (waves striking from the rear), and 'quarter sea' (waves striking from any other direction).
• Current - Tidal flow that carries a boat away from its desired destination, or toward a hazard.
• Flashlight - Tubular metal container used on shipboard for storing dead batteries prior to their disposal.
Fluke - The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom, holding the boat in place; also, any occasion when this occurs on the first try.
• Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.

-----------
A sailor who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The sailor's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the sailor turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the sailor muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the seaman and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does."

……………………………………………
Two Swedish guys get off a ship and head for the nearest bar.
Each one orders two whiskeys and immediately downs them. They
then order two more whiskeys a piece and quickly throw them
back. They then order another two apiece. One of the men picks
up one of his drinks, and, turning to the other man, says,
"Skoal!"
The other man turns to the first and says, "Hey, did you come
here to talk, or did you come here to drink?"


My cousin Mike provided these observations recorded by proctologists located appropriately at the end of the JOW

1.'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now technically married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?