Paraprosdokin JOW

Spring, or as I call it “achoo”, has arrived in Texas. The trees are putting out green buds, flowers are popping up all over, and the weather is glorious. I had thought to have Spring-like theme for my JOW but then discovered that Mary Ellen knows Larson E Whipsade personally. Well, he claims that is his name. She forwarded on some of his paraprosdokians (Google it) for me to share with my JOW victims along, with a few other random thoughts and one short joke from Mary Ellen.


• I prefer to take life with a grain of salt; with a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
• True hospitality is making guest feel like they are at home even if you wish they were.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Some whenever they go.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• If buses stop at bus stations and trains stop at train stations, why do they call it a ‘work station’?
• The Evening News is where they begin by saying ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than once.
• I saw a busty young woman with a shirt on that said “Guess” - so I said “Implants?”
• Women can never equal men until they can master the equivalent of walking down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
• How can one careless match start a forest fire when I need a whole box to start a campfire?
• To steal ideas from someone is called ‘plagiarism’. To steal ideas from many is ‘research’.
• When you give money to influence a businessman it is called ‘bribery’. When you give money to influence elected officials it is called ‘campaign contributions’.
• Why do we get 50 choices for Miss America and so few for president?
• A clear conscience is usually the sing of a bad memory.
• I used to be indecisive but now I am not sure.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department uses water.
• To be certain of hitting your target, shoot first; then declare whatever you hit was your target.
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. (Unless you are Charlie Sheen)
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some pretty neat ideas.
• Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. And some people have no imagination at all.
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Two beggars would go out every day and hold up signs asking for cash in different parts of town. Every day Carlos would only bring home a few dollars while Jose would come back with piles of ten dollar bills.
After a few weeks of this Carlos came up to Jose, “Hey Amigo, we both beg for the same amount of time; how come you come home with so much more money than I do every day?”
“Look at your sign,” Jose said. “What does it say?”
“I have no work and a wife and six kids to support. Please help.”
“No wonder you don’t get much money,” Jose said.
“What does your sign say?” asked Carlos.
“I need ten more dollars to get back to Mexico.”

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Authorities recently discovered a skeleton in a house being demolished. After checking the records they determined it was the winner of the 1961 “Hide and Go Seek” championship.