Mishmash JOW

I have a mishmash of jokes this week starting with some puzzling questions a few observations and a couple of jokes at IKEA’s expense. I apologize for not having a theme this week; I have had less time to do my JOW since I started working. Nevertheless, I think you will enjoy at least some of them.

Troubling questions for the twisted mind:
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
• Is it okay for vegans to eat animal crackers?
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If you eat both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Why do they call them "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
• If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented?
• Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
• Could it be that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live?
• Do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
• How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

A few more petty observations:

• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• An observation on Jose Cuervo: One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

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Martha had this observation –
Ten years ago America had Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs, and Bob Hope. Now we have no Cash, no Jobs, and no Hope.

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Both Dick and Mary Ellen sent this to me. I can’t figure out why they sent it to me; neither are blonde. The only thing they have in common is that they both live in California. (A light suddenly dawns)
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This is serious stuff. Check your shampoo bottle label.

I don't know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!!!!
It’s the shampoo I use in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY!
NO wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Their label reads: DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.
Problem Solved!!!
If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!!!
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Here are a couple of Ikea jokes:

I went to a business meeting at Ikea; they told me to make a chair and have a seat.
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A lady buys some new furniture at Ikea. She reads the instructions and builds the wardrobe. As soon as it’s built she a bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces.
The lady tries again and 5 minutes later another bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces.
The lady is furious and calls Ikea. Ikea tell her that they will send a worker to build it.
When the worker arrives he builds the wardrobe and says:
"Ok, I’m going to my next client."
To which the lady says:
"NO! Wait! You’ll see, as soon as a bus comes by it will dismantle itself..."
The man agrees to stay to wait for the bus.
After a while the man says that he better get in the wardrobe to see where the problem is when the bus passes by, to which the lady agrees.
10 minutes later the husband arrives and says: "Ahh lovely honey, you bought us a new wardrobe..." He opens it up sees the repairman waiting inside. "SIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" demanded the outraged husband.
To which the worker replies:
"I’m waiting for the bus!"


Tom