Hard Working JOW

I am glad to be working again; however I am having to remember what coworkers really mean when they say something. Here is a handy translation sheet I have developed.

“I can’t figure out how to work my phone” = “I have not made any attempt to figure out how to work my phone”
“I need help with this” = “Do this for me”
“Hey, quick question…” = “Hey, several dozen lengthy questions…”
“We need to give Cathy a call” = “You need to give Cathy a call”
“I think we’re out of pens” = “I do not see a pen within a three foot radius of where I’m sitting”
“Did Todd get a new computer?” = “Why haven’t I also gotten a new computer?”
“Thanks for showing me how to do something in Microsoft Excel” = “You are now the company’s expert in Microsoft Excel”
“I’m expecting a fax” = “I’m expecting you to hover over the fax machine for the next few hours.

The help wanted ads are filled with job descriptions that defy comprehension. This probably explains why so many parents can't quite figure out what it is their children do for a living...

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Responses to an Invitation to a Scientists' Ball:

• Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
• Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
• Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
• Ampere was worried he wasn't up on current research.
• Ohm resisted the idea.
• Hertz said he planned the future to attend with greater frequency.
• Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
• Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
• Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
• Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
• Dr Jekyll declined - he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
• Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now must dash."
• Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.
• Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.
• Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
• Descartes said he'd think about it.

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A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"
The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."
…………………………………….

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and went to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

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Here is a truck driving joke for Charlie and Kathy

Two truck drivers trying to drive under a bridge.
Driver, "Oh no, the height of bridge is 13 1/2 feet and our truck is 14 feet high."
Second driver, "It's ok, just go, there aren’t any cops around."

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Finally, on a non-work related note my cousin Bil had his annual checkup and reported the experience thusly:

During my recent physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level. I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday morning, I waded along the edge of a lake, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake."
Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be some outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a bad golfer."


Tom