Poetic JOW

My poetic license was not renewed this Christmas; I am sure this comes as a relief to some of you. This loss got me thinking about poetry – mostly bad poetry. I will start with some actual poetry from an acknowledged poet about humor; things go downhill pretty fast after that.

"Don't Grin or You'll Have To Bear It"
by Ogden Nash
It is better in the long run to have an abscess or a tumor
Than to possess a sense of humor
People who have senses of humor have a very good time
But they never accomplish anything of note, either despicable or sublime
Because how can anyone accomplish anything immortal
When they realize they look pretty funny doing it and have to stop to chortle

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A nurse is giving a young medical intern a tour of the hospital.
The intern approaches one bedridden patient and asks, “Why are you here?”
The patient replies, “Wee sleket cowerin’ timrous beastie/O, what a panic is in thy breastie.”
The intern moves on to the next bed and asks the same question, “Why are you here?”
The patient answers, “O, my luv is like a red, red, rose that’s newly sprung in June.”
The intern moves on to a third bed and asks again, “Why are you here” to which
the third patient replies,
“The best laid plans of mice and men, may often gang awry.”
At this the intern turns to the nurse and asks, “What ward is this anyway.”
And the nurse answers, “It’s the Burns Unit.”

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Poetic Questions

• Question: How does a poet sneeze?
Answer: Haiku!!!
• Question: Why are poets always so poor?
Answer: Because rhyme doesn’t pay.
• Question: What did William Wordsworth mean by “a spontaneous overflow of emotion recollected in tranquility”?
Answer: Puberty.
• Question: Why do Cowboys write poetry?
Answer: Because they’re inspired by the moos.
• Question: What is the highest honor among Cowboy poets?
Answer: Poet lariat.
• Question: Why didn’t the angry farmer divorce his wife when she traded their prize milking cow for a book of poetry?
Answer: Because he vowed to love her for butter or verse.
• Question: What do you get when you combine Robert Frost and James Bond?
Answer: The Road Not Shaken but Stirred.
• Question: Where do poets obtain poetic licenses?
Answer: From the DMV - the Department of Metrical Verse.

Here are some metaphorical questions

• Question: What did the poet say to Luke Skywalker?
Answer: “Metaphors be with you.”
• Question: What is a metaphor?
Answer: For grazin’ yer cattle.
• Question: What is a simile?
Answer: It’s like a metaphor.
• Question: What is a poetic pick up line?
Answer: Haven’t we metaphor?

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Just before Christmas I came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel at a store in Houston. As I scanned the line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others. I knew my friend had no young daughters or female relatives, so I figured he must like the dolls himself.
"Glen," I said going up to him, "I didn't know you were a doll collector!"
"I'm not," he replied.
"Oh," I said, "You're buying a gift, then."
"No, not at all," my friend responded.
"If you don't mind my asking then Glen," I said, "Why are you standing in this line?"
"Oh that; I just love a Texas barbie queue!"

Which gets me thinking of Barbie; here is a recently intercepted letter from her to Mattel corporate headquarters.

Dear Sir,
I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties: IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this year, or I am going to have a meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here are my demands:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A sports bra to wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
8. A new, persona; after all I am over 40 now. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, some red wine, and a bag of chips; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
Ok, Mr. CEO, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Dream house, Malibu, CA


Tom