Grab Bag JOW

I am a bit slow with my JOW this week because I have been ‘working from home’ finishing up a project. In my case working from home means that if you are not working, dang it, you should be instead of wasting your time providing frivolous jokes. Fortunately Tom, Dan, and Tor provided me with some fodder. So here is a sort of religious grab bag of jokes. Enjoy

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There were five houses of religion in a small town:
The Presbyterian Church,
The Baptist Church ,
The Methodist Church ,
The Catholic Church and
The Jewish Synagogue.
Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God’s divine will.
In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but it was said they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
…………..
And on a related note:
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walked into a bar. (A good start for any joke.) While sharing a drink they fell into a discourse concerning the efficacy of their respective faiths. While they were thus debating, a man pale and terrified, dashed into bar.
“There is a huge bear in the forest. I barely escaped with my life.”
“Here is a true test,” exclaimed the Baptist minister. “I shall preach to this heathen bear and yea, I shall convert him.”
And with that he drained his glass and headed out to preach to this wild bear.
An hour later he returned, soaking wet but deeply gratified.
“I verily I found that bear, and a fierce creature he was. But I preached the Gospel to him and then baptized Brother Bear in the river! He is there beside the river now.”
“Ha!” responded the priest, “I can show that beast the true power of God’s Holy Church. I shall make him a good Catholic bear.”
And he departed on his mission to redeem the bear.
And hour later he returned, exhausted but triumphant.
“I found that bear, and was able to teach him the catechism. By the time I finished he took communion and I absolved him of all his many sins. I left him saying a hundred Hail Mary’s and Our Fathers.”
Not to be outdone, the rabbi accepted the challenge.
“I shall teach him the paths of righteousness from beginning to end and make him a good Jewish bear, fit to walk in the presence of the Lord.”
Since the rabbi had been in the bar for over two hours and was a bit worse for the wear his two friends attempted to stop him but he could not be dissuaded and he disappeared into the woods in pursuit of the newly Christian bear.
And hour later he staggered into the bar bleeding profusely from a dozen wounds.
As his friends tended to him he explained.
“Upon reflection, I think I probably should not have started with circumcision.”

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More Kid Wisdom

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, “If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.”
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. “I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, “How does it know it's me?”

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, “I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?”

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, “Why doesn't your skin fit your face?”

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”
Concerned, James asked, “What happened to the flea?”

A few random thoughts
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

• There is great need for a sarcasm font.

• How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

• Google maps really need to start their directions on about instruction # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

• Bad decisions make good stories.

• I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

• Do you keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so you know not to answer when they call.

• I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

• I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

• Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

• The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Tom