Clear English JOW

I am trying to do some writing lately and so I have been hitting Zebrawords.com, the best online dictionary/thesaurus. That got me thinking about English which led to a JOW with some English-themed humor. But first I better put in a joke or two. The first is sponsored by Tor.

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An older gentleman wearing a ball cap with aviator wings on it sits down in a bar next to a lovely woman. Being a bold and daring type he wasted no time in introducing himself.
“Hello, beautiful my name is Jet.”
“Are you some kind of pilot?” she replied coolly.
“Not just some kind of pilot, the best kind, a Naval Aviator,” he replied confidently. “What is your name?”
“My name is Sappho, and I am a lesbian. In fact I am a true lesbian. I think about women all the time; beautiful, naked women. I fanaticize about making love to them constantly. That’s what lesbians do.”
Jet was nonplussed. (He had to go to Zebrawords to even discover exactly what he was feeling.)
After a time a man came and took the place on the other side of Jet who just sat there looking confused.
Seeing the gold wings on the old man’s hat he asked, “Sir, are you a pilot?”
“I thought I was,” replied a deeply troubled Jet, “but I just found out I am a lesbian.”

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Here are some key English language rules I use when writing:
Always avoid alliteration. Always
A preposition is something you should never end a sentence with
Avoid clichés like the plague; they are old hat.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
It is wrong to carelessly split and infinitive.
Contractions aren’t necessary
Foreign words are not apropos.
All generalizations are always bad.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
In general be more or less specific.
Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.
One word sentences? Worthless.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Eschew obfuscation

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A meeting notice
The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.
Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be confusing. So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting. This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.

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Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked the clerk, “How much does this material cost?"
"Just one kiss per yard, “replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take five yards."
With expectation and anticipation showing all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl took the package, smiled a big smile at the clerk, and then pointed to an old man standing next to her. "Grandpa will pay the bill!
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George Carlin has been credited with this poem

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose
We speak of a brother and also of brethren
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

And these observations on English

Let's face it – English is a crazy language. Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language

• There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
• Neither apple nor pine in pineapple
• Quicksand work slowly, boxing rings are square,
• And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
• Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham
• Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
• If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
• If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
• If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
• In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
• In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
• And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
• And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts
But when I wind up this observation, it ends.