Clockwork JOW

I had opportunity this week to visit my old friends Charles and Jane. Charles made his living making clocks – not assembling clocks, making clocks from scratch; that is he takes sheets of brass and metal bar stock and creates the gears and wheels, then assembling the bits into a pendulum clock. As they say, ‘a clockmaker is someone who doesn't charge extra for working over time.’
I brought him the clock I purchased from him sixteen years ago in for some minor work. (Okay, I confess, I took it apart and was unable to reassemble it.) Charles made reassembling it look easy. Actually it was easy if you are as mechanically gifted as Charles is; here is example for you engineers – he made a working scale model Sterling engine from bits he had lying about. He has a workshop that any small boy would give a limb to explore.
Jane suggested a JOW with a clock theme and as it seemed a ‘timely’ suggestion here it is.
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Many years ago there was this handsome old sea captain who retired from the sea; he bought a little white house on top of a hill overlooking a small seaside village and lived there all alone. He converted the windows to portholes and the stairways to ladders, scraped the rust off everything and had it ship-shape in every way. Out in the yard he mounted a small cannon, which he fired off every day at precisely noon. He associated with nobody except the lad who brought him groceries and other things from the village, and even then he mostly hauled the basket up to his window with a rope and pulley. He had a peg leg, of course, but didn't make much of it, since he wore good long canvas pants at all times. He spent much of his time with his glass, looking out towards the horizon for passing ships, and sometimes studying the village, too. He got to know all the streets and shops, and even many of the people as they passed in and out: those who bought pork chops and those who bought lamb and what kind of hats and gloves they bought and where. One shop in particular was important to him - the shop of the watchmaker, who sold and repaired clocks. He had a large clock hanging outside (a real one, showing the time, and hanging from two heavy chains) as his sign. It was by this clock that the sea-captain set his own watch, for in those days radio and television had not yet been invented. So that while the villagers did not know the sea captain, he knew them. One day he decided to go down and have a closer look. He went to the butcher, the shoemaker, the baker and the dry-goods store. Nobody recognized him and he didn't tell. When he went to the watchmaker's he spent some time looking at the displays and asking some technical questions about the tools and such. Then he asked how the watchmaker set the time on his clocks.
"Well, there's this crazy old sea captain who lives up on that hill there, and every day exactly at noon he fires off this cannon,”

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Bill bought an old clock at a flea market. A couple of days later he went back to the merchant and complained that the clock was losing 15 minutes every hour.
“Didn’t you see the sign?” the merchant asked. “It said ‘25% off."

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A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. "Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15".
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window that read, ‘I do not know what time it is.’
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window by a jogger.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45."

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A blonde asked someone what time it was. They told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied, "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
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Stella died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind her. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Stella, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Billy Graham’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that he has never told a lie."
"Incredible," said Stella. "And whose is that one?"
St Peter responded, "That's Tim Tebow’s clock. The hands have moved a few times, telling us that he told only a few lies in his entire life."
"Where's John Edwards’ clock?" asked Stella.
“His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan

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Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.
In the shop is a little old man who has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.
He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

And that dialect joke reminds me of another one

A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.
Stallone says "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart"
So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play ?"
And Arnie says "Ah'll be Bach!"

Tom