Drinking JOW

My JOW this week deals with the influence of alcohol in our lives. Well, that a few other things. Enjoy these jokes responsibly.

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.
"The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Two great quotations from Homer Simpson:
To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all our problems –
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.

One good one from Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
……………………………………………..
Things that are very difficult to say when you are drunk.
Cinnamon
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation

Things that are very difficult to say when you are drunk
British Constitution
Loquacious
Passive-Aggressive disorder

Things that are almost impossible to say when you are drunk.
No more alcohol for me
Oh, no, I couldn’t. No one wants me to sing.
I don’t know how to dance.
I don’t think I can jump up on that table either.
No, thank you, I do not want to have sex.

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Are you as tired of listening to all these drugs being sold on television as I am? And don’t you just hate listening to a list of side effects? Well, try reading this one aloud imitating the same irritating voice you hear on the air.

Do you suffer from feelings of inadequacy? Are you plagued with shyness? Do you wish you could be more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your bartender about Tequila.
Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use tequila. However women who would like become pregnant should definitely try tequila.
Side effects can include giddiness, dizziness, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, headache, dehydration, dry mouth; a desire to play naked twister, truth or dare, and all night strip poker. Consumption of tequila may make you believe you are talking quietly when you are not, dance like a retard, tell your friends over and over that you love them and cause you think you can and should sing. Tequila may lead to thinking you are smarter, stronger, and better looking than you actually are, resulting in pregnancy or getting your ass kicked.
So what are you waiting for? Stop hiding and start living with tequila!
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Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."
So that's what Joe did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said Joe.
"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

Eric provided a few pearls of wisdom

-Money cannot buy happiness. It can, however, rent it for a while.
-If you help someone in trouble they will remember you… when they are in trouble again.
-Many people remain alive only because it is illegal to shoot them.
-Forgive your enemy, but remember his name.
-Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does chocolate.

Some final random thoughts
I saw a PETA sign with a cute little pig next to a puppy. The sign asked: “Why love one and eat the other?”
The obvious answer is my dog is not made of delicious bacon.

I do not advocate killing stupid people but I do think we should remove all those warning labels and just let things sort themselves out.

Tom