Post vacational JOW #665

Having returned from my little vacation I thought it only appropriate to make this JOW more or less about vacations.  I would like to describe some of the fascinating things I did on vacation but the unsaid part of the words "This is fascinating!" is "to me" so I will just got with the jokes.

“”””””””””””””

A man was annoyed by the seemingly spontaneous performances by killer whales at SeaWorld complaining that the whole thing seemed orca-strated.

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Man to Ticket Agent: “I want to buy a plane ticket for Norwald... for a vacation, you know...!”
Ticket Agent, searching book: "Norwald? Let me find that. Hmm... never heard of it. Let me see... Norwald. I don't see Norwald listed, and I can't find it on the map. Just where is Norwald anyway?"
Man: “Over there. He's my brother!”

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A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in Central America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.
"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.
Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.
"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago"

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Bubba decided to catch a flight from Atlanta to Dallas.  Not having traveled from Georgia before he was not aware of the concept of differing time zones.

“The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.,” a ticket agent said, “and arrives in Dallas at 1:05 p.m.”

“Would you repeat that, please?” Bubba asked.

The agent did so and then inquired, “Do you want a reservation?”

“No,” said Bubba said, “I just think I’ll hang around the airport and watch that thing take off.”

…………………………………….

      

An old couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules and the wife had to leave on a flight the day after her husband. The husband made it down to Florida and when he arrived he emailed his wife back in Minneapolis. Unfortunately, he didn't notice that he had misspelled his wife's email address, so that it went to a recent widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband. 

The old widow decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:

‘Dear Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Your Devoted Husband. P. S. Sure is hot down here.’

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A lady aboard a cruise ship was not impressed by the jazz trio in one of the shipboard restaurants. When her waiter came around, she asked, "Will they play anything I ask?"
"Of course!" replied the waiter.
"Then tell them to go play chess!"

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A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking American," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"American?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome." It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of a brand new plane, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and drinks were wonderful. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber, now impressed. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get that lousy haircut?"