Road to Retirement JOW #664

I will be hitting the road this week to return to Jacksonville to visit my family and also attend my high school reunion.  Some people wonder why I prefer to drive rather than fly.  As the famous bigamist Charles Kuralt said: "Thanks to the interstate highway system, it is now possible to travel across the country, from coast to coast, without seeing anything."

But I no longer enjoy flying.  Airplane travel is nature’s way of making you look like your passport photo.  And the baggage carousel sounds a lot more fun than it really is. I know that flying isn't dangerous. -crashing is what's dangerous.  The way I see it, it's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.  American Airlines is probably my least favorite airline right now.  During boarding, American is playing videos of salmon swimming upstream to spawn and die. This is not the travel metaphor I hoped for.  And they are relentless in looking for new sources of fees: their seat cushions are used for flotation devices and in the event of an emergency water landing you have to swipe your credit card to release them for use. 

Hitting the road made me think about the perennial bad joke.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

In Texas we say it is to show the Armadillo that it can be done.

Someone asked famous director Quentin Tarantino that question leading to the following diatribe.

“Because he had just killed his friend Paul in a freak hunting accident. Paul was a member of the chicken triad, and the triad boss, Alan, had put a price on the chicken's head. He was hiding out at his girlfriend's house, waiting for things to cool down, when suddenly a black VW van pulled up in the driveway and two armed chickens jumped out and chickennapped the poor chicken (His name was Neil, by the way). The van drove to a secret location and Neil woke up hanging upside down by his feet. Alan was there and he told Neil what he would do to him. Neil was scared, but he remembered that he had stashed a desert eagle in a secret compartment in his feathers, so he pistol whipped Alan and cut himself free. He escaped from the secret location and ran to the main highway. That was where he crossed the road. A short time later, he was gunned down by triad thugs.”

There are a lot of good reasons to go back to your high school reunion after all these years.

·         You want to try to dance one more time before your next hip replacement.

·         You want to squash 50 years of rumors about you...and start new and better ones.

·         To see what color the girls' hair is now and to see how many of the guys still have hair.

·         You can be sure there will be no swimsuit competition.

·         You don't have to lie about your age. They all know how old you are.

A reunion joke

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for their reunion dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there wear low cut blouses.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group again pools their thoughts and discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group again decides to discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group again discusses where they should meet for reunion dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group again discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

Retiree questions:

Question: How many days in a week?

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?

Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the recliner.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: How do retirees broaden themselves culturally?

Answer: By learning to embrace the siesta.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?

Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?

 Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?

Answer: The never-ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.