This is JOW #700 so I feel it is time to do some administrate
stuff.
Please feel free to forward or otherwise use my jokes and to
suggest people to add to my list. Just
send me an email and I will add them to the list.
Keith gave me the inspiration for my JOW
topic with this:
(Note: There will be no jokes about striking a happy medium or a
small medium at large in this JOW.)
(For some reason, wives tend to like
this next joke........)
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic
delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a horrible death from an unknown toxin this year."
Visibly shaken, Virginia stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind from racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a horrible death from an unknown toxin this year."
Visibly shaken, Virginia stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind from racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
++++++++++++++++++++++
A woman went to see a fortune teller.
“Five dollars a question,” the mystic said
"Five dollars for one question!"
said the woman to the fortune teller."That's very expensive, isn't
it?"
"Next!"
An agnostic prophet carrying a sign warning
would probably have something like this:
“Something
Armageddonish might or might not be near!”
***********************
Many hundreds of years ago a king went to see a fortune teller to see
what she could predict about the future.
The fortune teller told the king that one of his wives would die
that year. The king didn't believe her and went away laughing.
Later that year one of the king's wives died.
He remembered what the fortune teller had told him and decided
that she had caused the death of his wife; that she had made it happen. He
decided to put the seer to death.
He ordered that she be brought before him.
When she was before him he said to her, "A few months ago you
predicted that one of my wives would die this year, and one of them has died.
So you are a fortune teller. Now, tell me - when will you die?"
The fortune thought very carefully before answering, "I will
die three days before you do, your majesty."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Pat was ambling at the Renaissance Faire
when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.
Said the mysterious old woman, "For twenty
dollars, I can read your past and future."
Pat readily agreed and the reader took one
look at his open palm and said, “You are divorced father of two children.”
“Ha, that is easy; you can see I have no
wedding ring. And you are wrong. I have three children.”
The fortune teller smiled at him. “That is what YOU think. Further I can see that
you have no girlfriend now."
"Well, that's true," admitted
Pat.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely
lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Pat ruefully admitted.
"Now that is interesting. Can you tell all of this from my love
line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses on
your palm."
And for something entirely different:
I love words. In my
research I keep coming up with words that other languages have that English
lacks. Here are some examples:
(Note: the JOW goes to a wide variety of well-educated people. If one of you speaks the languages I use feel
free to comment on the words below.)
Kummerspeck (German)
Excess weight gained from emotional overeating. Literally, grief bacon.
Excess weight gained from emotional overeating. Literally, grief bacon.
Shemomedjamo (Georgian)
You know when you’re really full, but your meal is just so delicious, you can’t stop eating it? The Georgians feel your pain. This word means, “I accidentally ate the whole thing."
You know when you’re really full, but your meal is just so delicious, you can’t stop eating it? The Georgians feel your pain. This word means, “I accidentally ate the whole thing."
Tartle (Scots)
The nearly onomatopoeic word for that panicky hesitation just before you have to introduce someone whose name you can't quite remember.
The nearly onomatopoeic word for that panicky hesitation just before you have to introduce someone whose name you can't quite remember.
Backpfeifengesicht (German)
A face badly in need of a fist.
A face badly in need of a fist.
Iktsuarpok (Inuit)
You know that feeling of anticipation when you’re waiting for someone to show up at your house and you keep going outside to see if they’re there yet? This is the word for it.
You know that feeling of anticipation when you’re waiting for someone to show up at your house and you keep going outside to see if they’re there yet? This is the word for it.
Pelinti (Buli, Ghana)
Your friend bites into a piece of piping hot pizza, then opens his mouth and sort of tilts his head around while making an “aaaarrrahh” noise. The Ghanaians have a word for that. More specifically, it means “to move hot food around in your mouth.”
Your friend bites into a piece of piping hot pizza, then opens his mouth and sort of tilts his head around while making an “aaaarrrahh” noise. The Ghanaians have a word for that. More specifically, it means “to move hot food around in your mouth.”
Greng-jai (Thai)
That feeling you get when you don't want someone to do something for you because it would be a pain for them.
That feeling you get when you don't want someone to do something for you because it would be a pain for them.
Mencolek (Indonesian)
You know that old trick where you tap someone lightly on the opposite shoulder from behind to fool them? This is the Indonesian word for it.
You know that old trick where you tap someone lightly on the opposite shoulder from behind to fool them? This is the Indonesian word for it.
Gigil (Filipino)
The urge to pinch or squeeze something that is irresistibly cute.
The urge to pinch or squeeze something that is irresistibly cute.
Yuputka (Ulwa)
A word made for walking in the woods at night, it’s the phantom sensation of something crawling on your skin.
A word made for walking in the woods at night, it’s the phantom sensation of something crawling on your skin.
Vybafnout (Czech)
A word tailor-made for annoying older brothers—it means to jump out and say boo.
A word tailor-made for annoying older brothers—it means to jump out and say boo.
Fremdschämen (German); Myötähäpeä
(Finnish)
The kindler, gentler cousins of Schadenfreude, both these words mean something akin to "vicarious embarrassment.”
The kindler, gentler cousins of Schadenfreude, both these words mean something akin to "vicarious embarrassment.”
Lagom (Swedish)
Maybe Goldilocks was Swedish? This slippery little word is hard to define, but means something like, “Not too much, and not too little, but juuuuust right.”
Maybe Goldilocks was Swedish? This slippery little word is hard to define, but means something like, “Not too much, and not too little, but juuuuust right.”
Layogenic (Tagalog)
Remember in Clueless when Cher describes someone as “a full-on Monet…from far away, it’s OK, but up close it’s a big old mess”? That’s exactly what this word means.
Remember in Clueless when Cher describes someone as “a full-on Monet…from far away, it’s OK, but up close it’s a big old mess”? That’s exactly what this word means.
Bakku-shan (Japanese)
Or there's this Japanese slang term, which describes the experience of seeing a woman who appears pretty from behind but not from the front.
Or there's this Japanese slang term, which describes the experience of seeing a woman who appears pretty from behind but not from the front.
Seigneur-terraces (French)
Coffee shop dwellers who sit at tables a long time but spend little money.
Coffee shop dwellers who sit at tables a long time but spend little money.
Ya’arburnee (Arabic)
This word is the hopeful declaration that you will die before someone you love deeply, because you cannot stand to live without them. Literally, may you bury me.
This word is the hopeful declaration that you will die before someone you love deeply, because you cannot stand to live without them. Literally, may you bury me.
Pana Po’o (Hawaiian)
“Hmm, now where did I leave those keys?” he said, pana po’oing. It means to scratch your head in order to help you remember something you’ve forgotten.
“Hmm, now where did I leave those keys?” he said, pana po’oing. It means to scratch your head in order to help you remember something you’ve forgotten.
Zeg (Georgian)
It means “the day after tomorrow.” OK, we do have "overmorrow" in English, but when was the last time someone used that?
It means “the day after tomorrow.” OK, we do have "overmorrow" in English, but when was the last time someone used that?
Cafune (Brazilian Portuguese)
Leave it to the Brazilians to come up with a word for “tenderly running your fingers through your lover’s hair.”
Leave it to the Brazilians to come up with a word for “tenderly running your fingers through your lover’s hair.”
Koi No Yokan (Japanese)
The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall in love.
The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall in love.
Kaelling (Danish)
You know that woman who stands on her doorstep (or in line at the supermarket, or at the park, or in a restaurant) cursing at her children? The Danes know her, too.
You know that woman who stands on her doorstep (or in line at the supermarket, or at the park, or in a restaurant) cursing at her children? The Danes know her, too.
Boketto (Japanese)
It’s nice to know that the Japanese think enough of the act of ‘gazing vacantly into the distance without thinking’ to give it a name.
It’s nice to know that the Japanese think enough of the act of ‘gazing vacantly into the distance without thinking’ to give it a name.
L’esprit de l’escalier (French)
Literally, stairwell wit—a too-late retort thought of only after departure.
Literally, stairwell wit—a too-late retort thought of only after departure.
Packesel (German)
The packesel is the person who’s stuck carrying everyone else’s bags on a trip. Literally, a burro.
The packesel is the person who’s stuck carrying everyone else’s bags on a trip. Literally, a burro.
Hygge (Danish)
Denmark’s mantra, hygge is the pleasant, genial, and intimate feeling associated with sitting around a fire in the winter with close friends and philosophical gentlemen.
Denmark’s mantra, hygge is the pleasant, genial, and intimate feeling associated with sitting around a fire in the winter with close friends and philosophical gentlemen.
Cavoli Riscaldati (Italian)
The result of attempting to revive an unworkable relationship. Translates to "reheated cabbage."
The result of attempting to revive an unworkable relationship. Translates to "reheated cabbage."
Bilita Mpash (Bantu)
An amazing, wonderful dream. Not just a "good" dream; the opposite of a nightmare.
An amazing, wonderful dream. Not just a "good" dream; the opposite of a nightmare.
Luftmensch (Yiddish)
There are several Yiddish words to describe social misfits. This one is for an impractical dreamer with no business sense.
There are several Yiddish words to describe social misfits. This one is for an impractical dreamer with no business sense.
Schlemiel and schlimazel (Yiddish)
Someone prone to bad luck. Yiddish distinguishes between the schlemiel and schlimazel, whose fates would probably be grouped under those of the klutz in other languages. The schlemiel is the traditional maladroit, who spills his coffee; the schlimazel is the one on whom it's spilled.
Someone prone to bad luck. Yiddish distinguishes between the schlemiel and schlimazel, whose fates would probably be grouped under those of the klutz in other languages. The schlemiel is the traditional maladroit, who spills his coffee; the schlimazel is the one on whom it's spilled.
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