Male and Female JOW #702

I do appreciate the jokes sent to me by JOW readers.  I have several good ones this week, mostly dealing with men and women, a well fertilized field of humor. 

Enjoy -

Keith sent me a couple of very good ones this week:

While few of the traditional seder foods trace their origins as far back as matzoh, it should be noted that the lowly horseradish root also crossed the Red Sea with the fleeing Israelites.
As impoverished slaves, they had access to few vegetables, and the hard and woody horseradish was a household staple.
While most of the fleeing Israelites carried with them horseradish, there is a story told of one family where, while gathering up their few belongings, discovered that they had no horseradish left in their house. The wife sent her husband into the field to dig up a large horseradish root, but in the darkness and confusion, he unearthed a large ginger root by mistake.
The story continues that after forty years of wandering in the desert, the Israelites finally entered the Promised Land. But it was another year before the family with the ginger arrived to settle among the rest of the Israelites.
When asked where they had been, the matriarch of the family, now grown old, shrugged and answered, "My husband insisted on taking an alternate root."

______________________

Morris and Barbara lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta .

It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over.

Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.

She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab.

Old man Stacey won't mind."

So Barbara, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.

When she got home with the items she said, "Morris, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store.

Why didn't you just give me some money?"

Morris replied, "Well, Barbie, I didn't want to send you out there with my cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Craig provided me with this one:

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol with an eight round magazine, and yelled, "Who in here has been sleeping with my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You need more ammo."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

One day, long ago, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed the thimble to help her husband in making a living for the two of them.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with a wooden thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, The Lord again appeared and asked her, Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Channing Tatum. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Channing Tatum."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

One day The Lord came to Adam, and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news".
Adam said, "Well, give me the good news first."
The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you.  One is called a brain.  It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.  The other organ I have for you is called a penis.  It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet.  Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are indeed great gifts you have given to me.  What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

Finally some reflections on our pets:

DOGS:

·         Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

·         They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

·         They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

·         They growl when they are not happy.

·         When you want to play, they want to play.

·         When you want to be alone, they want to play.

·         They leave their toys everywhere.

·         They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

·         They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: Dogs are tiny men in hairy suits.

CATS

·         Cats do what they want, when they want.

·         They rarely listen to you.

·         They're totally unpredictable.

·         When you want to play they want to be left alone.

·         When you want to be alone, they want to play.

·         They expect you to cater to their every whim.

·         Once you bring a cat into your home everything that’s yours also belongs to the cat.

·         They're moody.

·         They don’t get along with other cats

·         They leave their hair everywhere.

·         They drive you nuts.

CONCLUSION: Cats are small women in fur coats.

 ``````````````````````````````````````````

And finally, a bit of wordplay by Charlie:

I see, said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw.