Word Play JOW #699

My JOW this week is mostly about word play.  Many of these were forwarded by some of your fellow JOW sufferers.

‘Lexphillies ’ is a word used to describe word play, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." Allegedly there is a competition every year to see who can come up with the best ‘lexphillies’ in an undisclosed location. Here are some examples:

·         I'm very pessimistic. I'm like a German vegetarian in that respect. I fear the wurst.

·         When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

·         I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.

·         A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

·         When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

·         Rabbit hutch sellers; they'll give you a run for your money.

·         The batteries were given out free of charge.

·         A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

·         A will is a dead giveaway.

·         With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

·         A boiled egg is hard to beat.

·         When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.

·         Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

·         Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

·         A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

·         When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

·         The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

·         He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

·         When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

·         Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

·         conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes.

·         No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 
And the cream of the wretched crop:

·         Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

A few unrelated jokes for some relief.

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One year, a man decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

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A wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
“Well your eyesight's holding up pretty well," he replied.

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Okay here are a few more Lexiphillie-like jokes:

I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 

A backward poet writes inverse. 

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine . 

And finally

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A small part of me says yes.

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Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, no straw in strawberry, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.  How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

Some examples
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture..
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?



English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?