Dumb Old Blond Jokes #758

 I like ‘stupid’ jokes, that is jokes that have a person saying or doing something so dumb it is silly.  They can have a mean edge, such as the old Polack jokes, so I use blonde jokes.  Blondes have no real power base (and being blond is often transitory) so there is less kickback from jokes about them.  Or maybe they are secure in their status.  At any rate, ‘dumb blonde’ jokes led me to ‘dumb old people’ jokes along with some not so dumb old people.

Diary of a blonde:

January 

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

 February 

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

 March

Great news.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... Box said ' 2-4 years!'

 April 

Trapped on escalator for hours ...  Power went out!!!

May

Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June

Tried to go water skiing....... Couldn't find a lake with a slope. 

July

Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... Learned later that the other swimmers cheated- they used their arms!!!

August

Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... Darn car filled up with water because convertible top was open.

September   

The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it??? 

October

Hate M & M's.....They are so hard to peel.

November  

Baked Thanksgiving turkey for 4 1/2 days  ... Instructions said bake 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December 

Couldn't call 911.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!! 

Stupid Questions found posted on Facebook by people who help elect our leaders.

Did they come up with 911 for the police number after 9/11?

I just read that China is 12 hours ahead of America.  Why didn’t they warn us about 9/11?

How come women never have to have DNA to see if it is her baby?

Does it take 18 months for twins or just 9?

Am I the only person who thinks Dwayne Johnson looks like ‘The Rock’?

Random Thoughts About Aging from Dick...

·         I'm going to retire and live off of my savings.  Not sure what I'll do that second week.

·         Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out
 wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

·         Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.  We haven't met yet! 

·         I don't trip over things.  I do random gravity checks!

·         Old age is coming at a really bad time!

·         When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... Nowit just feels like a small vacation!

·         The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

·          I don't have gray hair.  I have "wisdom highlights".  I'm just very wise.

·           Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

·         At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

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Poor old Pat - he got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.  The lifeguard shouted at him so loudly, he nearly fell in.

More ramblings of a Retired Mind

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.  Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

It is better to have Parkinson’s than Alzheimer’s.  Better to spill half an ounce of scotch than forget where you put the bottle.

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease.  That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.  I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.  Then, it dawned on me.  They were cramming for their finals.  As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

  

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.  I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

And to finish, an unrelated joke:

Marcel Marceau attended a séance once.  The group sat around the table, and the medium called on Marceau’s deceased grandmother to speak to them through her.  To everyone’s amazement, the great-grandmother’s voice came through loud and clear, and Marceau began to ask her questions about the world beyond.

 Alas, however, the conversation did not last.  Very quickly the grandmother’s voice wavered, quavered, and then was lost; nothing could bring it back.

 After the séance, one of her colleagues asked the medium how it had gone.

 “Not well,” she replied.  “The mime was willing, but the spirit was weak.”