Nautical JOW #757

            It seems the Presidential campaign has finally begun with the first candidate ‘throwing his hat into the ring.  I do not think he has a very good chance, though.  Even though the fellow seems well-spoken and graduated from Harvard Law he is a just a 44 year old first term Senator who has sponsored no significant legislation and has no executive experience at all.  Besides, this guy was born outside the US to a foreign-born father.  There is no chance Americans would ever elect someone like that President.

            There will be no JOW next week.  Ruth and I are going on a cruise and I do not expect to have internet service at sea.  Since I am thinking about being underway again I have a few nautically-related themes this week.

           

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A very nervous first time asked the ship’s captain, “Do ships like this sink very often?”

“Not too often,” replied the skipper. “Usually it’s just once.”

…………..

Guest: “Excuse me, I have a question.”

Cruise Director: “Yes, sir?”

Guest: “Where does the water in the pools come from?”

Cruise Director: “We actually convert seawater into freshwater and put it into the pools.”

Guest: “Oh, so that’s why the water’s splashing so much!”

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One musician who signs up with an orchestra onboard a luxurious cruise ship is having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the orchestra. Finally, the captain said, “Either you learn to keep time or I’ll throw you overboard. . . . It’s up to you, sync or swim.”

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A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for a year.   A few weeks after he gets there he writes his wife a letter.
"My darling," he writes, "We’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."
His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don’t you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."

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Passengers aboard an elegant cruise yacht were having a great party when a young girl fell overboard. Immediately a chubby middle-aged man went into the water and with much splashing around, managed to rescue her.  The captain was grateful as well as astonished that the man performed such an act of bravery.  That night a luxurious banquet was given in honor of the cruise yacht’s unexpected hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words.

He said, “First of all, I’d like to know who pushed me in!”

Some quick ones:

An older couple was having dinner with the Captain one night in rough seas, and someone asked him why the ship was rocking so much. Without missing a bite, he replied, “Well this is a honeymoon cruise.

·         What do you get if you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?  Just over half way.

·         Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels!

Three Pirate ‘Jokes’!

·         What's a pirate's favorite letter? You may think it's the RRRRR, but it's the C that they're in love with!  Aye.

·         How much did the pirate pay for his piercings? A buck-an-ear!

·         What does a Dyslexic Pirate Say? HGRRA!

A random lawyer joke:

The overbearing and arrogant lawyer was forced to see a psychiatrist by order of the judge.

As soon as the lawyer became comfortable on the couch, the psychiatrist began the session by asking the lawyer, “Why don’t you start at the beginning?”

The lawyer said, “Okay. In the beginning I created heaven and the earth…”

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Which led me to this final joke:

A sailor trying to sneak back to his ship about 3 o'clock in the morning was spotted by a chief petty officer who ordered him to explain his tardiness. The lame explanation didn't work. "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you," the chief said.
The sailor began to sweep, but a tern landed on the broom handle and he couldn't continue. He yelled at the bird, but it didn't budge. He finally plucked it off the broom and gave it a toss. But the bird came right back and again landed on the handle. Over and over, the same routine was repeated. A toss, one sweep, and the bird was back.
When morning came, the chief also was back. "What have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started!" "Honest, chief," said the sailor, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link."

“Well, you should have driven it away by throwing rocks at it,” countered the chief.  “You should have left no tern unstoned.”