Chemistry JOW #765

I like chemistry jokes – periodically.  I do remember geeking out back in high school chemistry, which I admit is the only training I ever got in chemistry.   But they do provide some goofy humor.  So here are some bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.

A Handy Guide to Modern Science:

If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology

If it doesn't work, it's physics

If it stinks, it's chemistry

The doctor tells a woman that she has only six months to live. He advises her to marry a chemist and move to Toledo.
The woman asks, "Will this cure my illness?"
"No," replies the doctor, "but it will make six months seem like a very long time."

……………………………………….

The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Network News Producers Do Not Give Science More Air time:

Number Ten: They are unable to locate file footage of the Big Bang.
Number Nine: They think that high-temperature superconductors are too hot to handle.
Number Eight: El Niño is covered by the weather department.
Number Seven: They already did the O.J. DNA story.
Number Six: They are unable to find information about semiconductors in the music section of the library.
Number Five: They are afraid of reporting on dark matter because they think it is contagious.
Number Four: They are waiting for cold fusion.
Number Three: They think that the greatest scientific achievement is Tang.
Number Two: They wouldn't know the superconducting supercollider from a hole in the ground.
And the number one reason why network news producers do not give science more air time: Scientists are from Mars . . . Journalists from Venus

Chemical one liners

Why are chemists so great at solving problems? Answer: Because they have all the solutions.

Chemist claim that if you are not part of the solution you are part of the precipitate

Old chemistry teachers never die, they just fail to react.

Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?

Why did the hipster chemist get burned?  He touched his beaker before it was cool.

Where does bad light end up?  In prism

Why does a hamburger have less energy than a steak?  It is in its ground state.

What do you call a well-educated glass tube?  A graduated cylinder

Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.

Remember all the jokes you made up when you were studying the periodic tables in high school?  Me either.

·         Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"

·         What fruit contains Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa!

·         Teen 1: Did you hear oxygen and magnesium got together?? Teen 2: OMg!

·         Dogs are made up of calcium, nickel and neon (CaNiNe)

·         If Fe is the symbol for iron and man is male the Iron Man must be Female

·         Want to hear a joke about Nitric Oxide?  NO

·         What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?  CSI

·         What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"

A neutrino walks into a bar...but he was just passing through.

A small piece of ice which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Bunsen, my flame! I melt whenever I see you!" said the ice.
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."

Q: If a mole of moles were digging a mole of holes, what would you see? ?
A: A mole of molasses.

Q: If H-two-O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
A: H-two-O-CUBED

Q: What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy?
A: Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe

Q: What is the name of the molecule CH2O?
A: Seawater

Q: What do you call a joke that is based on cobalt, radon, and yttrium?
A: CoRnY.

Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.

Q: How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam?
A: An itsy bitsy book.
Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
A: Na

How does the failing chemistry student answer this exam question: "H2O is the formula for water. What is H2O4?"
"Washing, Cleaning and Drinking"

##############

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates!

A chemical poem
Susan was in chemistry. Susan is no more, for what she thought was H2O was H2SO4.

Top Reasons to be a Chemistry Student

All the coffee you could want

Cool safety glasses

Exposure to all kinds of toxic and cancerous substances

Because it's pHun!

Access to 100% ethanol

Learn to completely dissolve the bodies of your enemies

Always have plans for Friday night: Work in lab

Desire to be blamed for all faults in the environment and causes of cancer

Become a master chef at poverty cuisine

The Question of 2+2
Several scholars were asked "What is 2+2?"

The engineer whips out his calculator and answers "3.99999."
The physicist pulls out some technical references, models the problem on the computer and proudly announces "The answer is between 3.98 and 4.02."
The statistician replied "I need more data points."
The philosopher replies "What is the meaning of 2?"
The psychologist replies "How does 2+2 make you feel?"
The medical student replies "4."
The others look at him and ask, "How do you know?"
He replies, "I memorized it."

The last words of a chemist?
"... and now for the taste test."

Why don't we take all these chemistry jokes and barium?

Remember the Memorial Day JOW #764

This weekend is Memorial Day weekend.  Although originally celebrated to commemorate Civil War dead, today it is more important as the official marker of the summer season.   Most people consider a day to barbeque and spend the day outside.  Maybe we should spend the weekend celebrating the fact that Osama bin Laden is still dead.  Here are a few jokes that feature the military humor that I had that I do not remember sending out before.  I hope you enjoy them.

First, some military riddles.

Q: What do French recruits learn in basic training?

A: How to surrender in 17 different languages.

Q: How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin?

A: First, invade ze kitchen.

Q: What happens when you eat German/Chinese food?

A: An hour later you are hungry for power.

Q: What do you call a building full of Taliban?

A: Jail

The services just don’t understand each other; they don’t even seem to speak the same language.  At the beginning of the Army-Navy football game when the coin toss is made the Navy captain shouts, HEADS followed by the Army captain shouting LATRINES.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The young Marine in a snide voice says to the old sailor, "I love you sailors. Whenever we go to fight, you give us a ride."

 The old Chief looks over and says, "We love you guys too, by just giving you Marines a ride let Congress believe it was okay to assign women to ships."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle.

“Why are you retreating?  Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered four to one?"

The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."

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Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"

"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir." he replied

"Oh? And what does your father do?" asked the doctor

The recruit responded "He's in the Army, sir."

*******************
Sam, an old retired Marine had two sons who had the responsibility of bringing in the stove wood. Boy's reported to their dad that someone was stealing the stove wood. So the old Marine told his boys he would bring in the wood for the next two days.  Two days later there was a crash that came from the neighbor’s house. Soon after the boy's ran in to report to their dad that the neighbors stove had just blown up.

“You boys can start bringing in the wood again, now,” the old marine said, “I guess our neighbor must have stolen that wood I put that blasting cap in.”

Some unrelated (and awful) jokes:

How does the man in the moon cut his hair?  Eclipse it.

Have you heard the one about the corduroy pillow? It is making headlines.

Pat passed on a nice quote from Bette Middler – ‘I am like vodka – ageless and tasteless.’

From Keith – on aging:

·         At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came there for.

·         The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

·         Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

·         I don't need anger management. I need people to stop making me mad!

·         Old age is coming at a really bad time!

·         Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

·         My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

·         Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

Windows into the JOW #763

I had a scare last week – my trusty laptop I have been using for the last six years quit working.  I was able to revive it using CPR (Computer Processing Reboot) which involved a cold reboot.  But that got me thinking – I need to replace this thing so that if it really does die I don’t lose everything.  So I got a nice all in one computer for a reasonable price.  But alas, it was loaded with Widows 8.  It is very different and NOT better.  I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!  So, I drove to the new Microsoft store. Nice looking store, all out in the open in the center of the mall, solid glass front from floor to ceiling. I could not find the door to get in, yet there were obviously lots of Microtechies inside all gesturing me silently me to come in. But not one of them gave me a hint of how.  I went home and read the Windows 8 website. Turns out I was supposed to select any one corner of the store and hover at least 2 inches up for 2 seconds and the glass panel would slide upwards. Hey Bill, nice move! 
That got me thinking about computers in general so I started working on my JOW.  I have finally figured the system out enough to send this out – only four days late.  So here are a few bits for your amusement.  But never forget: Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell.
New Windows 8 Error Messages
Windows 8 Error: 001 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
Windows 8 Error: 002 No Error - Check again in 10 seconds
Windows 8 Error: 003 Broken window. Path not found - phone Glazier
Windows 8 Error: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong (just testing)
Windows 8 Error: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
Windows 8 Error: 006 Kelvin error: Type Mismatch - phone Kevlar
Windows 8 Error: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
Windows 8 Error: 008 Invalid property assignment. Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
Windows 8 Error: 009 Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
Windows 8 Error: 00E Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
Windows 8 Error: 010 Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit .
Windows 8 Error: 011 BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
Windows 8 Error: 012 Close your eyes and press 'escape' three times.
Windows 8 Error: 013 Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
****************
Machines don't save you from doing more labor, they just save your employers from paying for more labor.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is broken.
Not everyone thought computers were quite the wave of the future.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... -- F. H. Wales, 1936
640K ought to be enough for anybody. -- often (mistakenly?) attributed to Bill Gates, around 1981
Some computer definitions

·         Elephant, n.: a mouse with an operating system.

·         DOS is, quite possibly, the worst text-adventure game ever.

·         Buy a Pentium 4 1.5 GHz, so you can reboot faster.

·         The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

·         SQWERTY: Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.

·         If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

·         Programmer: A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects. User n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.

And remember, real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.   It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.

The difference between drug dealers and computer programmers.

Drug Dealers: Refer to their clients as "users" "The first one's free!" Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff) Strange jargon: "Stick," "Rock,", "Dime bag," Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent mixes. Often seen in the company of pushers, pimps, and hustlers. Their product causes unhealthy addictions. Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.

Programmers: Refer to their clients as "users" "Download a free trial version!" Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug code) Strange jargon:"SCSI," "RTFM", "Java," "ISDN". Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, faster, more potent machines. Often seen in the company of salesman, marketing people and venture capitalists. All those games - 'Nuff said Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!

And finally on an entirely different note:

Tom’s Gun Safety Tips*

·         Do not load your gun unless you are going to shoot something or feeling generally angry.

·         If your gun misfires, do not look down the barrel.  Have someone else do that for you.

·         No matter how excited you are when you buy a gun, do not running around waving it in the air and yelling “I have a gun!  I have a gun!”

·         Always keep the gun pointed in a safe direction such as at a communist or an Islamist.

·         No matter how responsible he seems, never ever give your gun to a monkey

·         If firearms make you nervous, have a few stiff drinks before heading out to the range.

·         When unholstering your weapon let everyone know by loudly proclaiming, “Excuse me while I whip this out.”

·         And the most important gun safety rule – don’t piss me off.

*These tips are not considered appropriate or even sane by reputable firearm authorities.