Windows into the JOW #763

I had a scare last week – my trusty laptop I have been using for the last six years quit working.  I was able to revive it using CPR (Computer Processing Reboot) which involved a cold reboot.  But that got me thinking – I need to replace this thing so that if it really does die I don’t lose everything.  So I got a nice all in one computer for a reasonable price.  But alas, it was loaded with Widows 8.  It is very different and NOT better.  I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!  So, I drove to the new Microsoft store. Nice looking store, all out in the open in the center of the mall, solid glass front from floor to ceiling. I could not find the door to get in, yet there were obviously lots of Microtechies inside all gesturing me silently me to come in. But not one of them gave me a hint of how.  I went home and read the Windows 8 website. Turns out I was supposed to select any one corner of the store and hover at least 2 inches up for 2 seconds and the glass panel would slide upwards. Hey Bill, nice move! 
That got me thinking about computers in general so I started working on my JOW.  I have finally figured the system out enough to send this out – only four days late.  So here are a few bits for your amusement.  But never forget: Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell.
New Windows 8 Error Messages
Windows 8 Error: 001 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
Windows 8 Error: 002 No Error - Check again in 10 seconds
Windows 8 Error: 003 Broken window. Path not found - phone Glazier
Windows 8 Error: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong (just testing)
Windows 8 Error: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
Windows 8 Error: 006 Kelvin error: Type Mismatch - phone Kevlar
Windows 8 Error: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
Windows 8 Error: 008 Invalid property assignment. Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
Windows 8 Error: 009 Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
Windows 8 Error: 00E Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
Windows 8 Error: 010 Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit .
Windows 8 Error: 011 BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
Windows 8 Error: 012 Close your eyes and press 'escape' three times.
Windows 8 Error: 013 Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
****************
Machines don't save you from doing more labor, they just save your employers from paying for more labor.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is broken.
Not everyone thought computers were quite the wave of the future.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... -- F. H. Wales, 1936
640K ought to be enough for anybody. -- often (mistakenly?) attributed to Bill Gates, around 1981
Some computer definitions

·         Elephant, n.: a mouse with an operating system.

·         DOS is, quite possibly, the worst text-adventure game ever.

·         Buy a Pentium 4 1.5 GHz, so you can reboot faster.

·         The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

·         SQWERTY: Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.

·         If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

·         Programmer: A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects. User n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.

And remember, real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.   It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.

The difference between drug dealers and computer programmers.

Drug Dealers: Refer to their clients as "users" "The first one's free!" Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff) Strange jargon: "Stick," "Rock,", "Dime bag," Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent mixes. Often seen in the company of pushers, pimps, and hustlers. Their product causes unhealthy addictions. Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.

Programmers: Refer to their clients as "users" "Download a free trial version!" Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug code) Strange jargon:"SCSI," "RTFM", "Java," "ISDN". Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, faster, more potent machines. Often seen in the company of salesman, marketing people and venture capitalists. All those games - 'Nuff said Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!

And finally on an entirely different note:

Tom’s Gun Safety Tips*

·         Do not load your gun unless you are going to shoot something or feeling generally angry.

·         If your gun misfires, do not look down the barrel.  Have someone else do that for you.

·         No matter how excited you are when you buy a gun, do not running around waving it in the air and yelling “I have a gun!  I have a gun!”

·         Always keep the gun pointed in a safe direction such as at a communist or an Islamist.

·         No matter how responsible he seems, never ever give your gun to a monkey

·         If firearms make you nervous, have a few stiff drinks before heading out to the range.

·         When unholstering your weapon let everyone know by loudly proclaiming, “Excuse me while I whip this out.”

·         And the most important gun safety rule – don’t piss me off.

*These tips are not considered appropriate or even sane by reputable firearm authorities.