Chemistry JOW #765

I like chemistry jokes – periodically.  I do remember geeking out back in high school chemistry, which I admit is the only training I ever got in chemistry.   But they do provide some goofy humor.  So here are some bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.

A Handy Guide to Modern Science:

If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology

If it doesn't work, it's physics

If it stinks, it's chemistry

The doctor tells a woman that she has only six months to live. He advises her to marry a chemist and move to Toledo.
The woman asks, "Will this cure my illness?"
"No," replies the doctor, "but it will make six months seem like a very long time."

……………………………………….

The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Network News Producers Do Not Give Science More Air time:

Number Ten: They are unable to locate file footage of the Big Bang.
Number Nine: They think that high-temperature superconductors are too hot to handle.
Number Eight: El Niño is covered by the weather department.
Number Seven: They already did the O.J. DNA story.
Number Six: They are unable to find information about semiconductors in the music section of the library.
Number Five: They are afraid of reporting on dark matter because they think it is contagious.
Number Four: They are waiting for cold fusion.
Number Three: They think that the greatest scientific achievement is Tang.
Number Two: They wouldn't know the superconducting supercollider from a hole in the ground.
And the number one reason why network news producers do not give science more air time: Scientists are from Mars . . . Journalists from Venus

Chemical one liners

Why are chemists so great at solving problems? Answer: Because they have all the solutions.

Chemist claim that if you are not part of the solution you are part of the precipitate

Old chemistry teachers never die, they just fail to react.

Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?

Why did the hipster chemist get burned?  He touched his beaker before it was cool.

Where does bad light end up?  In prism

Why does a hamburger have less energy than a steak?  It is in its ground state.

What do you call a well-educated glass tube?  A graduated cylinder

Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.

Remember all the jokes you made up when you were studying the periodic tables in high school?  Me either.

·         Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"

·         What fruit contains Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa!

·         Teen 1: Did you hear oxygen and magnesium got together?? Teen 2: OMg!

·         Dogs are made up of calcium, nickel and neon (CaNiNe)

·         If Fe is the symbol for iron and man is male the Iron Man must be Female

·         Want to hear a joke about Nitric Oxide?  NO

·         What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?  CSI

·         What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"

A neutrino walks into a bar...but he was just passing through.

A small piece of ice which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Bunsen, my flame! I melt whenever I see you!" said the ice.
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."

Q: If a mole of moles were digging a mole of holes, what would you see? ?
A: A mole of molasses.

Q: If H-two-O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
A: H-two-O-CUBED

Q: What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy?
A: Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe

Q: What is the name of the molecule CH2O?
A: Seawater

Q: What do you call a joke that is based on cobalt, radon, and yttrium?
A: CoRnY.

Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.

Q: How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam?
A: An itsy bitsy book.
Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
A: Na

How does the failing chemistry student answer this exam question: "H2O is the formula for water. What is H2O4?"
"Washing, Cleaning and Drinking"

##############

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates!

A chemical poem
Susan was in chemistry. Susan is no more, for what she thought was H2O was H2SO4.

Top Reasons to be a Chemistry Student

All the coffee you could want

Cool safety glasses

Exposure to all kinds of toxic and cancerous substances

Because it's pHun!

Access to 100% ethanol

Learn to completely dissolve the bodies of your enemies

Always have plans for Friday night: Work in lab

Desire to be blamed for all faults in the environment and causes of cancer

Become a master chef at poverty cuisine

The Question of 2+2
Several scholars were asked "What is 2+2?"

The engineer whips out his calculator and answers "3.99999."
The physicist pulls out some technical references, models the problem on the computer and proudly announces "The answer is between 3.98 and 4.02."
The statistician replied "I need more data points."
The philosopher replies "What is the meaning of 2?"
The psychologist replies "How does 2+2 make you feel?"
The medical student replies "4."
The others look at him and ask, "How do you know?"
He replies, "I memorized it."

The last words of a chemist?
"... and now for the taste test."

Why don't we take all these chemistry jokes and barium?