Backcountry JOW 772

I undertake to have adventures now that I am no longer encumbered by employment.  Although home life is certainly pleasurable it is enhanced by the spice of occasional journeys and expeditions.  I am on one of those little adventures now, having spent two days driving to Duchene Utah and five days hiking in the appropriately named High Uintas Wilderness. Camping is a tradition in my family, but then before houses were invented it was a tradition in everybody’s family.  I usually write up little accounts of these expeditions accompanied by photos.  I intend to do a full write-up for this hike but not until a few days after my return the first Wednesday in August.

At the moment my old buddy David and I have just finished the first half of two backcountry adventures we have planned.  We started by hiking in Ashley National Wilderness located in north east Utah.  If you look at a map of Utah there is a chunk cut out of the square of Utah by the square of Wyoming.  We are hiking just below that.  It has been quite an adventure so far although more arduous than even David planned.  Walking 35 miles from Tuesday through Saturday may not seem like much of a hike - but it was.  And I will write you about it when I return.  Right now I am recuperating in the finest hotel in Duchene (a Motel 6).  Just remember, camping can be addictive, exhausting, and may result in a personal hygiene deficiency. 

These are the best jokes I could come up with up here.  I hope you enjoy them.

At the trail head they have little boxes to leave your names, route, and any comments about the site.  These are actual comments left on U. S. Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

·         “Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.”

·         “Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.”

·         “Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.”

·         “Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.”

·         “All the mile markers are missing this year.”

·         “Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.”

·         “Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.” [Amen!]

·         “Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.”

·         “Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.”

·         “Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.”

·         “The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.”

·         “Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.”

·         “Need more signs to keep area pristine.”

·         “A McDonald’s would be nice at the trail head.” [Amen, again]

·         “The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.”

·         “Too many rocks in the mountains.” [You have no idea.]

Here are some backpacking truisms

While in a mummy bag the urgency of one’s need to urinate is inversely proportional to the amount of clothing worn. It is also inversely proportional to the temperature and the degree to which the mummy bag is completely zipped up.

Waterproof clothing isn’t. (However, it is 100% effective at containing sweat).

The width of backpack straps decreases with the distance hiked. To compensate, the weight of the backpack increases.

Average temperature increases with the amount of clothing brought.

Tent stakes come only in the quantity “N-1″ where N is the number of stakes necessary to stake down a tent.

Propane/butane tanks that are full when they are packed, will unexplainably empty themselves before you can reach the campsite.

Given a chance, matches will find a way to get wet.

All foods assume a uniform taste, texture, and color when freeze-dried.

The area of level ground in the neighborhood tends to vanish as the need to make camp becomes finite.

And finally, in current events….

Donald Trump’s dentist told him he needed a crown. 

He replied, “I know man, right?”