Mistaken ID JOW #782

I know a lot of jokes; I keep them sorted by subject matter.  I can usually remember a joke and trot it out for any given topic.  (Except at home – I am forbidden to tell jokes in Ruth’s hearing.)

That means I like to have a topic for my Jokes of the Week.  Bill sent me the joke below which got me thinking about mistaken identity which led to a series of jokes that diverged farther and farther from the theme.  But no matter here are a few jokes on mistaken identities and other

………………………

A man who was suspicious his wife was having an affair decides to check up on her. He calls his house and the maid answers. He says, "Can I please speak to my wife?"

"No, sir," replies the maid.

"Why not?" asks the man. "

Because she's in bed with her lover and asked not to be disturbed," she answers.

"WHAT?!?" the man screams. "Listen carefully. Put the phone down... go to the hall closet... get my shotgun and shoot them both!" he demands. A minute later, two shots ring out. Back on the phone, the maid says,

"OK, it's done... now what?"

"Take the bodies and dump them in the swimming pool," he instructs.

The maid replies, "Ahhh, sir... we don't have a swimming pool."

Silence ensues.

Then the man says,
"Wait a minute... is this 947-8992???"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Remember the claim “I am Sparticus” – Was he the first known victim of identity theft?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand on her thigh and greeted her –‘Hey baby’.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable lout!" she yelled at him
"Wow," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Two elderly guests, John and Pat, attended a party given by a business associate to mark his daughter's engagement to a man she had been living with for three years, were grumbling about the decline in moral standards.

'All these people sleeping together before they're married,' John muttered indignantly. 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?'

'I don't know,' answered Pat thoughtfully. 'What was her maiden name?'

‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and punches her. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"

===========================

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven.
The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn’t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."
The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my stationary bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ''Please God spare my life'' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I’m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."
It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator....."

################

A priest and pastor from the local parishes stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together.  As soon as the deal is done the priest sprinkles some water over the hood.

The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?''

The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.''

So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.