Wedding Belle JOW #783

At long last my youngest daughter is getting married.  That means I can stop asking her when she is getting married and start asking when she is going to have babies.  I hope it will be a fairy tale wedding - but not one where like an evil witch shows up and curses their firstborn.  Zin honor of the event I have a few wedding-type jokes followed by miscellaneous offerings submitted you fellow JOW sufferers.

The wedding toast you do not want to hear: "The Lannisters send their regards"

Some thoughts on marriage:

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

A woman worries about her future until she finds a husband, but a man never worries about the future until he takes a wife.

“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

A little girl at a wedding asked, “Mommy, why do brides always wear white?”

The mom replied, “Because they’re happy, dear.”

Halfway through the wedding the girl whispered, “Mommy, if brides wear white because they’re happy, then why do men wear black?”

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Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage. He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him with an outstretched hand. “Congratulations Harry, I just wanted to tell you I’ve been married for twenty two years, and I am sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.”

“But sir”, said Harry, “a little bit confused, I’m not getting married until tomorrow!”

“Yeah, I know”, said his boss.

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A man, let’s call him Shane, was over 40 years old and was still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Shane replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Shane answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

"My father doesn't like her."

From Vanessa

Stealing someone’s coffee mug should be called ‘mugging’

Pasteurize – too far to see

Whoever invented ‘knock-knock’ jokes should be given a no-bell prize

The other day I held a door open for a clown.  It was a nice jester.

No matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery.

Instagram – Putting your grandma on speed dial

From Tom

Q.   Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A.    To a different bar.
Q.   Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A.   Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q.   What's the difference between a zoo in the north and a Louisiana zoo?
A.   The Louisianan zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
 Q   How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A.   Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q.   What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A.  A northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...'A southern fairytale begins,... 'Now, y'all ain't gonna believe this sh1t.'

From Dick – some random thoughts

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

 3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini-vacation.

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than ‘please,' I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."

12. At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

And just as I was going to press John provided me with the gift if this British humor as it used to be: absolutely politically incorrect

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London.

Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
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Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1,000,000 worth of improvements
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Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who's English.

Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.
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Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works great!

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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?" 
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An Emergency Call Center worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.  It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating,

"I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."

To which the call center employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."

And finally

If your wife laughs at your joke, it means you either have a good joke, or a good wife.