Between weddings, neighborhood pregnancies,
and the recent passing of a friend’s mother I started pondering the cycle of
life this week, which led to some jokes that stretch from weddings to the
grave.
I got to do a wedding
toast for my daughter and her husband this week. I did not tell this wedding joke which some of
you may remember:
A woman needs many things
from a man:
She needs a man who is a
good provider and a strong protector when needed.
She needs a man who is a
good helpmate, does the chores, and fixes things around the house.
She needs a man who is a
sympathetic friend who will talk with her and listen attentively.
She need a man who is
romantic and exciting and is a skilled and passionate lover.
And she needs to make sure
none of these men ever meet.
Here are this week’s
jokes:
Dick sent me some other wedding & anniversary
toasts.
“Marriage will teach you
tolerance; sympathy, sensitivity, understanding, patience and a thousand other
qualities you never need until you get married. “
The other was for
a marriage anniversary (in this case 50 years)
“When we got married my
wife and I had an agreement that I would deal with all the big issues and she
would deal with the rest; amazingly in 50 years no big issues have come up.”
Pregnancy questions and answers
Q. What do you call a
pregnancy that begins while using birth control?
A. A misconception.
Q. How will I know if my
vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll
get better.
Q. Since I became
pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything
that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. My wife is five months
pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your
question?
Q. Under what
circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A. When the sex is between
your husband and another woman.
Q. What's the difference
between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing….. if the
pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. Should I have a baby
after 35?
A. No, 35 children is
enough.
Q. My husband and I are
very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials.
Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant
now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right
after he finishes college.
Q. What happens to
disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a
silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q. Do I have to have a
baby shower?
A. Not if your change the
baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied
bimbos.
Q. Nannies aren't cheap
are they?
A. Not usually, but
occasionally you'll find a floozy.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in
which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
Things get more and more
casual as you get more kids:
The Layette:
1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure the clothes are clean and discard only those with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress -- a whimper, a frown -- you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick up the baby when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 5-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure the clothes are clean and discard only those with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress -- a whimper, a frown -- you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick up the baby when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 5-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Activities:
t baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swim and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
t baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swim and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
You learn lots of new
skills as a parent; like how to unwrap a candy bar without making any noise.
And finally to go from end to end, Pat sent this
eulogy:
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
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