Necessary Maintenace JOW #787

Getting old is not so bad but there are some ‘maintenance’ issues which are both inconvenient and undignified.  For example there a little ‘procedure’ called a colonoscopy.  It is actually a very beneficial thing to get as it has a very high rate of accurate and early diagnosis of colon cancer which, if detected early is easily cured but if found late is usually fatal; so it is a good thing to get if that type of cancer runs in your family or for anyone once you reach a certain age.  Pondering these sort of things got me thinking about getting old, and medicine which popped up a couple of semi-related jokes.

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An older gentleman was on the operating table   awaiting surgery   and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.  As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?" 

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting for in line.  (Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place)  First you forget names, then you forget faces.  Then you forget to pull up your zipper. Of course, it’s worse when you forget to pull it down.      

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A distraught senior citizen   phoned her doctor's office.      
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"  

''Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor   told her.  

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied.  "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition,   because this prescription is marked       'NO REFILLS'"  

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An elderly New Yorker was struck by a taxi while attempting to cross 5<sup>th</sup> Avenue.  Onlooker gathered around while waiting for the ambulance.  One rolled up his coat and put it under his head.  Another used his coat to cover the old man.

“Are you comfortable they asked him?”

The old man shrugged, “I make a good living.”

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Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knowing the end is near. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons.
"So," he says to them, "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses.
"Sybil, you take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza.
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center.
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property."
Sarah replies, "Property? The schlemiel had a paper route!"

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When Mr. Schwartz was delivered to the undertaker the man had a surprise.  Upon examining the embalmed corpse he discovered that Morris was equipped like a porn star.  Who knew?  He was so impressed that, thinking to pull a prank on his prudish wife, he surgically removed the member, wrapped it up and put it in a shoebox.  No one would know, Morris would be wearing his suit.

Once home the undertaker placed the box on a table and stepped back.

“Hey, honey, take a look at what is in that box.”

She opened the box, pushed aside the wrapping and uttered a shriek.

“Oh, my God.” She cried, “Schwartz is dead!”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

From Keith

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

On a completely unrelated note:

One the funniest movies ever made is “Young Frankenstein by Mel Brooks.  The movie is filled with great line such as the humpback Igor exhorting the women to “Walk this way,” as he shambles off.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Wasn’t your hump on your left side?

Igor: What hump?

Igor: You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him... the things he'd say to me. 

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: What did he say? 

Igor: "What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night?!? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?”

Igor: “It could be worse.”

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: “We are digging up a corpse in a disgusting graveyard in the middle of the night.  How could it possibly be worse?”

It immediately begins to pour rain.

Igor: Wait Master, it might be dangerous... you go first.

 ………………….

This is from Tom, a steady source of good stuff.  Some of which I censor.

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor¹s
dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, ³I¹ve had enough of this,² and
goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, ³The dog is still
barking. What have you been doing?²
Paddy says, ³I¹ve put their dog in our yard ­ now we¹ll see how they like

And finally

Dick tells me that the BBC announcer just ended his show with the quote “I don’t know philately, but I know what I lick."

Which reminds me of the stamp collector who, attempting his best line to the lovely fellow stamp collector told her, “You are more beautiful than my finest stamp.”

To which she replied, “Philatery will get you nowhere.”