Star Wars Christmas JOW #792

I could not decide whether to have a theme on Christmas or Star Wars.  So I mixed them.  Don’t think I can?  I find your lack of Holiday Spirit… disturbing. 

This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion.   That and also this mix of Star Wars and Christmas jokes.  Merry Christmas to all!

Some holiday good/bad news:  The good news: Martin Shkreli, The vile sociopathic CEO that hiked the price of cancer drugs 3500%, was arrested by FBI.  The bad news?  Well, there isn’t any.  I just wanted to spread peace, joy, and other marketing buzzwords. 

The four stages of Christmas:

1. You believe in Santa Claus

2. You don't believe in Santa Claus

3. You dress up as Santa Claus

4. You look like Santa Claus

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If you are dating someone who does not get Star Wars puns you are looking for love in Alderaan places.

…………………….

Something to think about:

You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants".

Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.

Santa doesn't really do any work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.

Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week.

Santa travels a lot.

Yup, Santa is obviously a senior college professor with tenure!

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Episode I: Become Pun with The Force

Q: Which program do Jedi use to open PDF files?

A: Adobe Wan Kenobi

Q: Which website did Chewbacca get arrested for creating?

A: Wookieleaks

Q: Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road?

A: To get to the Dark Side.

Q: Why is Yoda such a good gardener?

A: Because he has a green thumb.

Q: Who tries to be a Jedi? A: Obi-Wannabe~

A clone trooper walks into a pub and asks the barman, “Hey, have you seen my twin brother?”

“I dunno,” says the barman, “What does he look like?”

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Q: What is Claustrophobia?
A: The fear of Santa Claus.

Q: What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
A: Saint Nickel-less.

Q.Which reindeer likes to clean?
A.Comet

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Luke and Obi-Wan walk into a Chinese restaurant. Ten minutes into the meal, Luke was having serious trouble using the chopsticks, dropping food everywhere.

Obi-Wan finally snaps, “Use the forks, Luke.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

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A Hutt slithers into the food court.

 The cashier says, “Hey! They have a pizza place named after you!”

The Hutt says, “You have a pizza place named Jabba Desilijic Tiure?”

<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

It was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman's good fairy appeared in the room. The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: "Don't be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up." The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. "Wait!" she said. "Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!" So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking. Eventually, she spoke: "First", she said, "I want to be very, very wealthy." Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime. The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: "Next", she said, "I want to be young and beautiful again." Poof! The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled. "Third", she said to the fairy, "I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!" Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said: "Hah! Now you're really going to be sorry that you took me to the vet!"

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The Star Wars movie series has the perfect line for almost any occasion.  Here are some surprisingly practical Star Wars quotes that will leave people commenting: "Hmm, the Force is strong with that one."

·         "You are unwise to lower your defenses."

·         "Try not. Do -- or do not. There is no try."

·         "Never tell me the odds."

·         "Strike me down, and I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine!"

·         "Search your feelings."

·         "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."

·         "You do have your moments. Not many, but you do have them."

·         "It's a trap!"

·         "In my experience, there's no such thing as luck."

·         "I have a ba-a-a-d feeling about this."

·         "They told me they fixed it! I trusted them. It's not my fault!"

·         "This is some rescue."

And if you have any regrets this season just think of that poor Storm Trooper sitting in a bar after work realizing that "Those were the 'droid we were looking for.'