Auld lang syne JOW #793

The end of another year when those of us who stay up mumble the incomprehensible words of ‘Auld lang syne’, which I think means ‘old long since’ which is probably better translated as ‘days gone by.’  It has the great benefit of being a song that is easy to sing while drunk.  Indeed, you tend to sound drunk singing it even if you are sober.  That ridiculous song got me thing about old times, which morphed into old timers a subject I am qualified to address.  Which got me thinking about a lot of retired humor.   So here are a few jokes along with my sincere wishes for all of to have a Happy New Year!

Here are some answers to questions I sometimes get:

Q: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
A: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch

Q: How many days in a retiree’s week?

A: Six Saturdays and one Sunday

Q: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but it might take all day.

Q: Why don’t retirees mind being called seniors?

A: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Q: What is considered formal wear for retirees?

A: Tied shoes

Q: What is the term for someone who doesn’t like his job but refuses to retire?

A: Nuts

Q: What do retirees call a long lunch?

A: Normal

Q: What is the best way to describe retirement?

A: The never ending coffee break

Q: Why do retirees say they do not miss work but do miss the people they worked with?

A: They are too polite to tell the whole truth.

Q: Why do Retirees smile all the time?

A: Because they can't hear a word you're saying!

 Q: What is the "initial" state of retirement?

A: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.

Signs you are a retiree

·         People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

·         People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

·         There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

·         Things you buy now won't wear out.

·         You eat dinner at 4:30 P.M.

·         You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.  

·         You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

·         No one expects you to run -- anywhere.

·         You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.  

·         You sing along with elevator music.

·         Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

·         Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

·         Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

·          

*********************

Mike, after retiring from a busy life in business, travels around the UK visiting antique shops trying to find bargains.

One day he went to an antique shop in Stratford upon Avon, England. Here, Mike speaks to Victoria, the shop's owner,

'When I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it.'

'Sorry,' replied Victoria, 'but I can't possibly sell you that.'

'Oh, what a pity, but why not?' inquired Mike.

'Because,' said the owner, 'that's my husband.'

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

'I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business’, declared the first man.

'Fifty years from now, 'said the second, 'I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man’.

Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, 'So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?'

'Me?' the third man replied. 'I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age!'

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband. "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

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An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.” Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The old lady said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

A retired Priest, Rabbi, and Pastor were sitting in a coffee shop from a house of ill-repute.  They watched as a rabbi walked into the brothel. 

“Oh, it is a shame to see a man of the cloth give way to temptation,” exclaimed the rabbi.

Then a pastor walked into the brothel.

“It is terrible when a man of the cloth succumbs to the pleasures of the flesh,” lamented the pastor

Then a priest strolled into the establishment.

“Ah,” said the priest, “it is so nice the ladies have time to confess their sins.”

A WWII veteran finally earned his High School diploma at 90, 74 years after dropping out to go fight. When asked what happens next, he said 'College Girls'.

  

Finally, one off the subject

A couple of co-workers were talking just before quitting time.

“I need your help,” Pat says to his friend John, “I am having an affair with the boss’s wife.  Can you stall him for an hour or so after work so I can have some time with his old lady?”

John, being a good trooper agreed and set up a meeting with the boss right before work ended.  John did his best to stall the man but was not very good a mendacity. 

Finally the boss asked him straight out what John was trying to do.

Guilt struck, John confessed everything.

The boss was not upset all.  Instead looked John in the eye and said, “I think you better get home to your wife as fast as you can.  You see, I’m not married.”