Winning Lottery JOW #795

The huge Powerball lottery is all in the news these days.  I have heard it said that the lottery is a tax for people who do not understand statistics.  I've done the calculation and my chances of winning the lottery are almost identical whether I play or not.
That may be true, but it does serve a purpose beyond raising money for the government.  Many of the people who buy lottery tickets understand that they have a better chance in winning the lottery than they do working their way out of their drab and difficult lives.  So a one dollar lottery ticket is a cheap bit of hope for them.  After all, who has not dreamed of what they would do if they were really, really rich.  Never mind that more than half of the people who win lotteries have gone through the money within five years or that similar numbers say their lives were actually worse after winning a big lottery.  Their view is echoed in the country song that goes- Money can’t buy happiness – but it can buy me a boat.

Here a few mostly cynical jokes about the lottery.

·         How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

A lottery prayer – “Dear Lord, all I ask for is a chance to prove that winning the lottery won’t make me a bad person.”

A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray...
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays ..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are hungry. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

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If you don't like the idea that most of the money spent on lottery tickets supports government programs, you should know that most of the earnings from mutual funds support investment advisors' and mutual fund managers' extravagant lifestyles.
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 “Son, if you really want something in this life you have to work for it.  Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” – Homer J Simpson

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Then there was the guy who won the lottery and only three days later met the beautiful love of his life.  Talk about luck!

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A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,
"I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies,
"I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you.  What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it.  I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer,
"What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no friggin problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this damn woman is giving you a hard time?"

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This woman runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!" 

He says "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

She replies, "I don't care...Just pack them and get out!"

On a non-lottery note, let me pick on vegans. 

Vegans love to say things like, ‘humans are the only animals that drink the milk of other animals.’  Right.  You know what else only human do? Make movies.  Fly airplanes.  Call each other on the phone to tell each other how awesome milk is.

Tom’s Advice on Handling Women:

If a woman is mad at you, just tell her she is over-reacting.  I am sure that she will immediately realize you are right and settle down.

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Word of the day – Kardashian – A Persian word that means ‘Hey look at me!”

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And finally - My early condolences to all of you for not winning tonight’s lottery.