Infant Tile JOW #794

Our next door neighbors just had their first child, which got me thinking about babies.  What is a baby? A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.  But kids are a good source of jokes so here are some Infant Tile Jokes of the week.

Some baby Questions and Answers:

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Q: What do you get if you cross a baby with soldiers?

A: Infantry

A: What does a baby computer call his father?

A: Data.

Q: Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue?

A: Because they can’t dress themselves.

New parents need a new dictionary for terms that have now changed:

Parent's Dictionary of Meanings
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words

Here is a kid-related joke I like.  I understand it is a true story.

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Ask your mother to explain that to you."

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Dewey and Odell met on the Brownsville main street.

“Say,” said Dewey, “Ah hurd yew and yore wife is goin ta night school ta take Spanish lessons. How cum?”

“Uh huh,” answered Odell. “We went and adopted us a little Mexican baby, and we wanna be able ta understand him when he gets old enough ta talk!”

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Did you hear about the baby that was born in a high tech. hospital?
It came out cordless!

Of course babies are the source of grandchildren – an entirely different obsession.

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.
After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?", Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"
"It's over there," said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Adam answered.
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. After all, if God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Which got me thinking about Garden of Eden jokes.   Here is one to end with:

Adam was walking all alone around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
God said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "Hmmm… seems kind of expensive.  What can I get for a rib?"